hurting your chin and your pride in one night.. not recommended

I don't have much to say in this post, as most of my evening is what we like to call.. hazy, but I do know that I woke up with blood on my pillow and a throbbing chin. Oh, and a few questions.

We decided it was the last Monday before classes start (which is today, ps), so we should host a wine night at my house. I live in the apartment upstairs, and 3 of my friends live downstairs: 1 girl and 2 guys.

I should preface that wine is the one alcohol that seems to make any evening into Blackout City, and on this particular evening, I chose to forget that fact and drink the ever-classy Franzia by the SOLO cup full. And by SOLO cup, I mean, filled to the very brim, drinking as quickly as my friend with the tiny wine glass.

Awesomeeee choice.

At around 11 pm, the guy who lives downstairs tried to duck in downstairs from work, but I managed to stop him with a loud HEYYYYYYYYY NEIGHBORRRRR!!! I have never met this man before.

I managed to make friends with him (I think mainly because I was shoving wine down his throat), and at some point, I decided going over to our next door neighbor's house to make friends with them was a great plan.

I was definitely blackout at this point, as this entire trip is beyond my memory, but from what I've been told, I walked up to the one cute boy who lives in the house and, as an opener, used the line "You! You're old like me!" to which he responded with a confused look, and I said "Yeah.. Ya know, since you've already graduated and are back in school for your Masters!"

I've never in my life talked to him, and everything I know I was told by my girl housemate.

Smooth.

At some point later in the evening (after I made the intelligent decision to take myself out of the alcohol game), I arrived back downstairs with rubbing alcohol in one hand and a paper towel clutched to my chin with the other hand. Once I found my "responsible" housemate, I walked straight up to him and screamed

I AM BLEEDING PROFUSELY!!!!!

I then made him put the alcohol on my cut for me, as I was "too scared."

Questions that remain: what did I fall on? How did enough lasagna for 3 people end up all over my kitchen floor? And the ever important, why do I enjoy embarrassing myself in front of cute boys?

Needless to say, I hid out in my living room trying to nurture my chin and pride back to good health. The pride's about over it, but the chin is all kinds of bruised and cut.

3 am Texts are the Devil

So. First, I would like to thank everyone who responded to my last post.. I LOVE y'alls comments on a regular basis, and this one definitely helped.

That being said, I (naturally) didn't see them until I hung out with him next, which was the day we moved my bed. Once we were finished moving it, we headed to a bar because I said I would buy him a beer for helping me. I ended up getting a pitcher because it's cheaper to buy a cheaper to buy a pitcher than it is 2 pint glasses (how that makes sense I have no idea). Afterwards, he suggested going to get the beer at his apartment and drink that. I couldn't think of a reason why I couldn't since I had already said I didn't have plans for the day, so I went over.

As soon as we got there, he headed to the bathroom and I went to sit on the couch. He opened two beers and brought them over and we started watching some movie. After a few of them, he came over and put his head on my lap and sort of cuddled with my legs. I was a little stand-offish, as the question of a girlfriend was still whirling through my head, but I wasn't going to get up and be awkward across the room.

After awhile, I had to use the restroom. Once I got in there, there wasn't any toilet paper, so I decided to look under the cabinet to get some more. I opened the first and it was full of cleaning supplies. I opened the second and the first thing I saw was a girl's bikini. The second thing I saw was a tubberware drawer full of girl things. And by girl things, I mean Mydol, tampons and the types of things you only leave at a boy's house if you've been dating for a very long time, or that boy is in actuality a girl.

I quickly grabbed the toilet paper and sat back trying to figure out how to explain this other than he was a hermaphrodite or practically married.

Before I could get too far in my thinking, I noticed that through his clear shower curtain was an entire white shower except for an area that was completely black. I dropped my mental thought processes into the secret life of Boy and turned my thoughts to the prayer that his shower couldn't possibly be that dirty. I mean, a whole black area is just a little out of control.

Naturally, I HAD to look. Turns out, it was not quite dirt as much as a girl's bra and entire outfit.

Awesome.

I knew I couldn't go out and demand an answer, as 1. I haven't known him for very long and 2. I would look like a crazy person who was going through his things. And while, yes, I was, it stemmed from the need for something necessary and then the idea that he was just insanely dirty. Either way, ew.

I sat there for as long as I thought not completely strange while texting people furiously to try to find a way out. Just when he asked if I was going to stay the night, I told him I might have to go pick up my friend, so I wasn't sure yet.

As soon as I received my next text message, I said I definitely had to go get her, as her car was broken down way out west. He told me I should come back afterwards and stay with him. I said maybe, but ran out of the apartment as fast as my feet would carry me.

I didn't hear from him for almost a week until he texted me last Friday night to see if I was going out. I told him I wasn't, but ended up going out anyway. I think he saw me walking down the street though because he texted me, said I looked beautiful and asked where I was going. I ignored his text, but apparently around 3 am I decided texting him back was a great idea. (Which, I'm gonna go ahead and say any text to anyone at 3 am is usually the opposite of a great idea..)

"So I hear you have a girlfriend. That's awesomeeeee"

Smooth. Needless to say, I haven't heard anything from him. And to be honest, I'm more than ok with it.

As for everything else, I'm spending the week in Florida visiting my mom and then once I get back to Knoxville, I'm moving into my first apartment alone! I have never lived alone, and I have definitely never decorated anything but my own bedroom. I am excitedddddd!

Thanks again for all y'alls comments! :)

Riddle Me This...

So.. I've been kinda half-assed talking to a Boy for a couple months now, and we finally hung out last week after him repeatedly asking to. Mainly, I thought he was someone else than he was and I didn't want to hang out with the person I thought he was, but when I realized who he actually is, I was more apt to it. I hope that makes sense...

Anyway, I went to his apartment and we watched a couple movies. Ok, so maybe we kissed. I had a really good time with him though, much more than I had originally expected. We were drinking a little (a few beers), and when I went to use the restroom, I noticed a girl's lipsticked kiss on the mirror. A little red flag went up, but I thought maybe he forgot it was there. I wasn't going to say something, but it was bothering me so I jokingly asked if he often dresses up in girl's garb complete with lipstick and kisses the mirror. He looked confused at first, laughed, and was said it was only for special occasions. When the subject came up again, he finally said "It was my mom.." I nodded in understanding, but my mind was reeling with thoughts of trying to figure out whose mom would kiss their son's mirror. I know my mom wouldn't.. I feel that's a little personal for moms to do, but maybe that's just my family.. At one point, he was going to show me a picture online, and when he pulled out his laptop, he did that "I'm trying to be stealth because there might be something I don't want you to see on my laptop" thing where you turn it away from the other person.. Only he was sitting next to a mirror so his attempt was in vain. I didn't want to be too nosey, but couldn't help but sneak a peek. His background picture was a girl and he... And I'm pretty sure she was licking him? I dunno.. random.

At the end of the night, he asked when he would see me again to which I replied I wasn't sure. I left with my mind reeling. I felt like there was a girlfriend in the picture, but I didn't want to be crazy and just jump to conclusions. Still, there's this nagging little voice in my head.

The next day, I texted him to ask him a question and he didn't text me back at all.

2 days after we hung out, he texted me back and apologized, saying he had been really busy with school. I said I understood, but couldn't help but think that sending a text message takes a matter of seconds.

He texted me like 4 or 5 times that day asking what I was doing, and then we decided he would help me move my bed from my house into where I'm storing all my things for the summer. As I was leaving to meet him however, it started down pouring so we decided moving my bed would have to wait for another day. He still wanted to hang out, so I told him he could come over to my apartment, as I was definitely not going to drive in the storm.

Once the storm was over, he came over, 12 pack in hand. He picked out a movie to watch, and we settled in to watch it. He laid in my lap during most of it, and once it was over, we laid and talked for a little while on my couch. He recieved a text message while we were laying there, and he did the turn your phone away from the person so they don't see what's on my phone thing again like he had with the computer. I don't generally care what's going on on someone else's phone, so that effort made me feel a little weird.. Like this boy that doesn't really have any reason to be hiding anything is hiding something.

I had made plans to go to wine night with a few friends of mine, so I told him I needed to get dressed for it. He said it was his friend's last night in town and they were probably going to wine night as well.

By the time he arrived to wine night, I had already left. Once we headed to the 3rd bar of the night, we headed straight towards the bar. While I was waiting for my drink, I got a tap on the shoulder. I turned around and it was him. I said hi and hugged him. I was a little drunk by this time, and have had thoughts of a possible girlfriend, so I was a little distant at first. He kept trying to get me to make out with him, but I told him I'm not a fan of PDA. I gave him a few kisses here and there, but they were fast because I really hate kissing in public if I can help it (aka: if I'm not blackout, it's not happening).

We were all leaving to go to another bar, and he said he was going home as he had class the next day. I knew it wasn't until 6 at night, so I told him to just come for a little bit. He agreed, but didn't stay for more than 5 minutes.

The next morning, I woke up and realized I had lost my phone somewhere in Knoxville by the end of the night (thanks a lot alcohol). By the time I got a charger for my extra phone (thank god I kept my old phone), I texted him. I said..

"Hey dunno if you texted me at all.. def lost my phone somehow last night hahaha.. you def should've stayed.. we sang i'm on a boat and it was possibly better than the original version"

No text back.

I woke up this morning to him saying "sorry, I was asleep."

I sent it at 9 pm.

So, I don't know if I'm being paranoid, but I've never had the feeling that a guy had a girlfriend. I'm not saying I want to be in a relationship, or even that it has to be completely exclusive, but I don't want to be the other girl and I don't want to have another girl looming in the back of my head, or her lipstick on his mirror.

So what do y'all think? Am I being crazy, or does it seem justified?

Recaps of Life are Always a Good Time

I would just like to say THANK GOD summer classes are over. I am so over studying and going to the same 2 classes everyday. Good news though: I got 100% and 98% on my final exams! I'm freaking stoked.

So, to celebrate, we decided to do everything we could to destroy some of the brain cells that had become so enlarged from my geniusness. Beer. The sweet, sweet nectar of life.

Anyway, just a few things to bring you up to speed on my life in the past month...

• I spent the 4th of July in Chattanooga at my friend's lake house with her entire family and her parent's friends. We proceeded to get belligerent and sing roughly 14 songs on karaoke. I do not have a good voice.
• I saw a girl at the pool literally wearing underwear. At 2 in the afternoon. She thought she looked goooood. She did not.
• I renamed a shot AMERICA!!! It must be asked for while saluting. And yes, it's red white and blue. The name before I was drunk and trying to get the whole bar to chant U-S-A? Undercurrent. Worstttt name ever.
• I made friends with a man who was in a blue wifebeater in a bar because I thought it was amusing and very strange. I then realized his tattoos were horrible drawn. Turns out, he was in a maximum security prison for quite some time due to murdering someone. SO glad I talked to him........
• Said murderer was also doing a complete upper body workout in the bar. Complete with pull-ups on the rafters, dips and push ups. He would then yell at the end of it across the bar in a completely unrecognizable language.
• Aforementioned murderer ripped his shirt off at the end of the night and gave it to me as "a souvenir"
• I sang I'm On A Boat karaoke at one of our bars and at the end of it, we were received to a standing ovation and high fives. I felt like a real star while running through the crowd high fiving random strangers.

Also, I must say I officially don't understand boys. The ones I'm nice to turn out to be creepy stalkers. The ones I'm very not nice to (aka: repeatedly asking a boy who was dressed in all white when the annual White Party is while calling him P. Diddy and throwing my roommates cat on him repeatedly) seem to think I'm awesome and would like to stalk me. Really, I guess I don't understand boys who stalk. And why the boys who stalk aren't the boys I would like to be a little more stalkerish. Ok, maybe not stalkerish as much as the perfect mix of stalker/normal human being. If that exists. Jesus I think I destroyed all my brain cells.

On that note, I can not stop laughing at this commercial. Literally out loud every time I see it. Well played, Taco Bell.

baaahahaha i need to go to sleep.

Emo Kids + Fake IDs = Good Times or Too Much Crying for One World?

Ahh, the youth of America. Such a strange group of people. I don't mean to look down on the troubled lives of these clearly heartbroken children whose parents didn't love them enough.*

::cough cough::

i wonder if he got that clip from Claire's...

That being said, I can understand why they would crave the goodness that is alcohol. These are trying times my friend, and who am I to tell the youth of America not to drink. I mean, if they drank, maybe they wouldn't look like they were about to stone me to death every time I walked past a Hot Topic.

I've always thought that if a high schooler wants to drink, then go ahead. God knows I drank in high school. That is, until I received a phone call from my step-mom.

"Hey.. I was just thinking: maybe next time you go in town, you could go to the DMV and get a copy of your license for your sister. It's close enough to looking like her. Not that I'm condoning her drinking, but it would be nice for her to have."

...

Few things: my sister is 16. She just got her license a month ago. She looks NOTHING like me. She's the worst driver I've ever seen.

Did I mention she's 16?

7 years younger than me.

Yeah... I don't think that's gonna work so much in either of our favors.

Change the name to match hers, and this is about what it would look like

What're y'all's thoughts? Should I yield to the alcohol gods and bestow this privilege on the unsuspecting town of Ohio that she lives in, or should I make her suffer as I suffered and pray that someone else could get us all the beer our little livers could handle?

In my experience, not having a fake ID was a much cheaper option in the longer run for myself, as I never had to pay for the gloriousness that is beer.

* I'm allowed to make fun of emo kids, as my sister, who comes from a family that walked straight out of a Vineyard Vines catalog is convinced she is as emo as it comes

Freeeee Chocolate!!

I don't know if they send them internationally (Sorry, Ben), but if you go to Mars Chocolate's website (the guys who make the ever delicious M&Ms today (or any Friday I think), you can register for a free chocolate bar that they'll send to you!

I just found it and am pretty stoked, so I thought I'd share the wealth!  :) 

Hope yall are having a good Friday!

Just your typical Saturday night...

As we all know, I generally try to keep my life as classy as possible, whenever possible.  I make an effort to never get wiggidy wasted, lose things, or just make a general ass of myself.

Oh wait.  Yes I do.  Constantly.

This weekend was.. well, another one for the books.  Tuesday of this week, we went out and somehow, I managed to lose my wallet within one block.  I wasn't even really sure that was possible, but after stepping back and assessing the situation, I have decided I put some sort of freezing spell on my friends, a la Harry Potter, ran up to the first homeless person I saw, took out my wallet and informed them that they needed it much more than I did, and then ran back to my friends, unfroze them, and walked the 1 block home.  

Clearly, it makes much more sense then the fact that I'm an idiot.

Being the procrastinator that I am, I chose to use the week to not go get a new license, but instead to hope that my wallet full of gift cards, credit cards, and just generally important things would turn up.  It really is amazing, if you think about it, how much you can learn from someone in a wallet.

But anyway, seeing as I had no money or ID, I was forced to make a decision:  stay at home, or try my damnedest to go out.  Of course, I chose option numbero dos.  Strapped with enough vodka for a small elephant, my student ID (which thankfully was in my backpack), my social security card and a copy of my birth certificate, I headed out for the town.  If that's not determination, I don't know what is.

We started at my friends house, where I drank 3/4 vodka, 1/4 water and a dash of Crystal Light mixtures.  Once I finished my 2nd, followed by a few shots, I was definitely ready to get the party started, so we left and headed towards the bars.  

Upon arrival, everyone ordered what they wanted from the bartender previously mentioned in my birthday shitshow, and when he asked me what I wanted, I sadly informed him that I had lost my wallet.  He looked at me like I had 9 heads, grabbed a pitcher and poured it for me.  It's good to have friends in high places.

Next thing I know, the biggest creeper guy to ever walk the streets (and for some reason, has a strange infatuation with me) was buying shots.

I awoke the next morning on a Lazy-Boy recliner with a comforter over me.  How I got there was a mystery beyond mysteries, but I do know this much:  when you are stirred to consciousness from a conversation that goes as this one did, you know not everything went quite as planned the night before...

"Do you know her?"

"No dude, I don't know her, I thought you knew her..."

"Well how'd she get in here?"

"She came in the front door.. I guess I didn't lock it and when I saw her, I figured she was cute so I let her stay."

............

Confused and dazed, I realized I not only didn't know them, but I didn't know where my shoes or purse was.  I had one of them call my phone, and when I didn't hear it, I just decided to bolt out the door, hoping that if I moved fast enough, they wouldn't remember what I looked like, but would somehow alter their minds to think they had a crazy party last night and I just passed out afterwards.

I ran into my apartment (which happens to be the one directly below them, and yes, I now pray every time I go outside that they will not see me) and immediately went into my roommates room to inquire about the happenings of the previous evening.  She had no answers, as she had been "talking" (making out) with a rando boy for most of the evening.

I'm not sure if there was a full moon this past Saturday night, or just the beginning of some plague where a lady's pride, dignity and respect fly out the window like it sees Santa Clause down the street, but man oh man...  I would give anything to see me attempting to walk up the stairs and into a random apartment.  

The Greatest Movie Trailer... Ever.

I know it was broadcasted like a week ago but I can not stop watching this clip of the trailer for New Moon.

Even if you don't like Twilight, it's still hilarious. I have literally watched it like 10 times already and laugh just as hard every time when he runs naked through the woods. Oh Andy Samberg, how I feel we could be great friends.

The Mouse's Ear

Exciting news!  I FINALLY got a new computer!!  Yayyyy!!!  No more going days without any link to important things like facebook and stalking my famous "friends."  Also, way easier to actually write on here.  So without further ado...

I know you have all been waiting on pins and needles and putting, probably, too much thought into what we did on Sunday. Well, I'll finally tell y'all. Hope you're not too disappointed since I may or may not have put a little too much into the lead up. 

Or something.

Ok, so Sunday, we woke up and weren't planning on doing much. It was Senior Roast for our sorority (everyone goes on a boat and they roast the graduating seniors). I slept through it. Whoopssss... But don't worry because I did make it up in time to meet them at our favorite bar with a patio at 4 o'clock.

I was the first to arrive, and so, doing what any normal person would do, I sat at the bar to wait for them over a pitcher. 

Once everyone was there, we decided to move out to sit on the patio. On the patio was a man who made my typical drunken antics look like childs play. He had moonshine grapes that he referred to as olives, and decided everyone on the patio should have some. To say he could stand would be a very generous thing to say, but he was going to have everyone eat one if his life depended on it. The bartender came out and laughed with us at him, explaining that this man comes by quite often, and that he probably should have given him a lot more alcohol when he was drinking like a fish so he would be passed out by now. Interesting way to look at it, I thought. He also informed him of the man's sexual preference by this story:

"He came into the bar and told me if I gave him 4 shot glasses, he would show me his penis and told me I could touch it if I wanted."

I'll let you infer for yourself what that means...

After awhile, it began to get a little chilly, so we moved our 6 person party inside.  We picked a table, but it was dirty, so I went to the bar and asked for napkins.  When the bartender said no, I immediately said "BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" 

Mistake # 1. 

Instead of napkins, he poured me a shot of goldschlager.  I hate goldschlager.  He then tried to follow it up with Rumplemintz, but seeing as it was barely 6 and I wasn't trying to throw up everywhere, I bargained to a shot of Jack Daniels.  The delicious Tennessee whiskey.  

I then told one of the regular bouncers (who I'd never actually talked to) to find me cards and to come play drinking games.  He started to object, but quickly realized there is basically no objecting me (especially on my birthday) and agreed.  We played Circle of Death, never have I ever, Fuck the Dealer and whatever else we could think of.  For each game, I had 1 to 3 shots.

Mistake # 2 (or is that smart idea #2?)

Raffa, my new bouncer friend, informed us that we could only stay until 9, as that's when they were going to a strip club and we were to go with them.  We laughed and informed him there was no way we were going to a strip club called The Mouse's Ear.

9 PM:  We're going to the strip club.

Mistake #3.

Now, I am no strip club officianado, as I had only been to one before this.  And that... "strip club" was somewhere my step-brother and his 3 friends tricked me into going.  It was also the classy strip club that included a pool table, pasties, cellulite and a juke box that the strippers had to put quarters in to pick their songs, and I'm pretty sure a few diseases spread out between the people working there.

The strip club we attended on this particular Lord's Day of Rest was... interesting.  Apparently, you could bring in your own beer, and it doesn't matter how you look to attend.  Also, if it's your birthday, they will let you literally run around the place.

I'm not saying that I necessarily did or did not run around the bar.  Hint: I did.  I also would sit down, think of a song I NEEDED to hear, run over to the DJ booth and inform him of my obsure song selection.  Mainly, I just would say, "Are you absolutely sure you can't just download I'm On A Boat?!  Ugh.  Fine.  I dunno.. play like... Single Ladies," which is a song I found amusing since I'm pretty sure none of the ladies there had anyone put a ring on it.  

By closing time, I had become "friends" with the bartender, manager, owner, DJ, bouncer, random attendee and had polished off the better part of a case.  We had also become friends with one of the strippers, named "April," but her real name was "Summer."  Being that it was my birthday and my new friends decided that I should be treated, they bought me a 2 song lap dance.  And by lap dance, I mean April/Summer just took off all her clothes and danced in front of me.  I couldn't stop thinking about her son at home and how she was probably hating her life at the moment, so I felt incredibly awkward.  I informed the guy who bought it that I wasn't really sure where  to look, so he said I should just look into her eyes.  Tip for life:  that makes things way more awkward.  

After she was done having sex with my eyes, I invited her to my birthday dinner the next night, and one of my friends took her phone number.  Why?  We'll never know.  On one trip to the bathroom, I noticed stairs that my friend told me I wasn't allowed to go up.  Psh.  "It's my birthday," I informed her and ran up the stairs.

Did you know strip clubs have tanning beds in their changing rooms?  Neither did I.  Now you know.  However, I'm pretty sure none of the girls there actually use it.  

Upon departure, the owner told us to come back as much as we wanted, as he thoroughly enjoyed us.  I think in strip club owner speak, that means we were definitely the drunkest people there, and I'm pretty sure spent the most amount of money.  Either that, or he's hoping we'll apply for a job.

The bartender who was earlier offered a peep show drove us all home, and somehow, ended up at my house with my two best friends and I.  Still a mystery.  What I do remember from the end of the evening is running downstairs with him, making out on my couch, and then going waking up the next morning with an extra-large cooler of beer, the keg again, lots of empty beer cans, cuddling with the bartender while sleeping next to my two best friends.

When we woke up, we watched YouTube videos and then all went to lunch.  All wearing my pajamas.  At 3 pm.  

I'm On A Boat: The Beginning of the Greatest Birthday Weekend Ever

So my birthday wasn't too long ago, and needless to say, I did my best to celebrate in style. We were going to have banners and streamers and all that birthday festivity shit that makes anyone who is not celebrating their birthday on the exact same day violently angry, but once the keg was tapped, there was basically no stopping the action to hang up things that were going to be annoying to take down when I got around to it. Next year.

My actual birthday was a Monday and since everyone knows you can't celebrate anything on a Monday because Mondays suck, we decided to do celebrate every single day of the weekend. Friday, we had a keg party. Needless to say, at the end of the night, I went to bed alone and woke up in the morning with my friend and a boy neither of us knew. Good times.

Saturday, we had a fraternity philanthropy event, so needless to say, the moment I woke up at 9 am, I traveled down the stairs, grabbed a coffee cup and filled it with keg beer.

Don't act like you've never done it.

I then traveled back upstairs, put I'm On A Boat on repeat from my iPhone and blasted it for the whole house to wake up and enjoy life as much as me. I may or may not have still been drunk from the night before.

Once we arrived to the volleyball tournament, a very somber event that involves heavy drinking, drunk volleyball, inappropriateness, slip and slides and a bounce house all in the name of mentally challenged kids (note my politically correctness, please and thank you).

Because across college campuses everywhere, I'm On A Boat has become the greatest song to ever be recorded, we decided we needed to create a boat in order to make the day complete. Read: we found a pickup truck, put a tarp in it to keep the water in, and then filled it with water. Greatest. Boat. Ever. And if you were so lucky to walk by when we were in full action, we would scream at you to GET. IN. THE. BOAAATTTT!!!! until you did. I'd say we were about half successful in actually getting people in the boat.. but we got a dog in it, so I say win win.

Saturday night (still haven't stopped drinking), we all dressed (how we look like normal human beings with makeup on is so far beyond me) and headed to the post-volleyball fest band party. I'm gonna be honest. I think all I did was run circles around the bar, run up to the front of the stage and dance, and then continue to run circles. All while holding a pitcher of beer and drinking straight from it because my cup was taken up when I was trying to give underage kids beer.

Haters.

Sunday we woke up and decided we had been on a binge-fest (we'd drank everyday since Tuesday), so we needed to seriously take it slow.

We were at our favorite bar at 4.

I would say Sunday was possibly the greatest and strangest day of my life. And that's saying a lot.

Because I love a good cliff hanger, I'm gonna leave y'all to ponder what could possibly happen on a Sunday Funday in Knoxville TN when you're me.

It's like a fun game. Not as fun as the breathalyzer game, but still a good time. Get creative and have your people call my people.

If you're not feeling creative, just watch this. I suggest memorizing T-Pain's dance. WAY more fun and impressive than not knowing it.

Technology. The angry step-daughter of life.

Ok y'all. All I'm gonna say is that blogger needs a mobile device stat bc my computer has gone to the other side. I believe it's last words were "Fuck you guys, I'm out." or something along those lines as we had a tumultuous relationship. And by tumultuous, I mean it hated to live. It was like Rihanna the day after C. Brown beat her. FEMA once Katrina hit. 50 Cent after Kanye beat him in album sales. Michael Jackson when.. Well you get the point. 
 
Anyway, needless to say I'm on the look for a new computer so if y'all have any suggestions for one that is 
 
A. Bomb diggity 
B. Not a Dell 
C. Doesn't hate life after a short run 
And 
D. Able to withstand me 
 
Lemme know.

---

Big savings on Dell XPS Laptops and Desktops!

can i go back to Vegas now?

So Vegas. I know it's hard to believe that I would like a city that is also known as "Sin City," but let me tell you. I want to go back now. I want to go and parade around the strip and drink all day and night and be fabulous. However, I don't want to live there because, no offense to anyone who lives there, but I don't own enough basketball jerseys. I swear everyone I met from Vegas was wearing a basketball jersey. It was interesting. I wish my trip had been longer, and I wish my camera hadn't decided to give up on life half way through St Patty's day.

St Patty's Day, ps, is one of my top favorite days of the year - and I'm pretty sure this was the best one.. yet.

I don't have a vry long time to write, so instead of telling a whole long story, I'll just give you some highlights as to why I love Vegas.

• Vegas. Because We Can.
• You can walk around with alcohol no matter where you are.
• You can leave a bar and not have a bouncer yelling at you to throw away your beer before leaving.
• They have 3 foot long drinks.
• You can jump onto a construction site to make the manager take a picture with you.

• You can get construction workers to show their booobies.. even if after they do it, you immediately regret telling them to.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Only no I won't.

• Bouncers believe you when you lie and say you paid the $20 cover but then ripped off the bracelet because you were bored and give you a new one, thus saving you $20.
• You won't get kicked out of a bar when you pull a shot of Jameson from the bottle the bartender lent you to take a St Patty's Day picture with.
• You can rip endless amounts of Irish Car Bombs with your waitress.

If you go to Vegas and to NY NY, do not challenge Karen
in a car bomb chugging contest. You will lose. No matter how
many times you play. Trust me. I played a lot.

• You can do inappropriate things in public with people you barely know...

• You can do inappropriate things in public with your best friends....
• You can talk to anyone and not be misconstrued as a crazy.
• You can start drinking at 9 in the morning.
• There are lots of things to take pictures in front of!

This is an ad for Jose Cuervo. Well played, Jose. Well played.

• You can wear your sunglasses at night, with your pj's in your hotel casino because you're drunk and leaving tomorrow and still get hit on.
• You can learn new accents and phrases (Wicked Pissa, for instance, means around the same thing as "a lot" according to Boston)
• There are drunk old people.
• 2 words: Tuxedo. T-Shirt.

i youtubed for an hour and forgot my title name

We all have dreams. Personally, I have lots of them. I dream that someday, someone will find my drunkenness as hilarious as my friends do and will decide to pay me for it. I dream that someday, someone will follow me around with a video camera so that I can remember everything I did that weekend (for example, I was informed that this past weekend, I ran up to my friend, pushed him over the arm chair of the couch, slapped his ass and then nuzzled on his neck to make him feel better about it. And by friend, I mean someone I've had maybe 15 minutes of conversation with since I've met him). I also dream of things like becoming a princess, a millionaire, and having a hot air balloon at my personal discretion.

In the past 2 days, I have slept a grand total of 2 hours and 15 minutes, give or take a few seconds.. so I've had a bit of time laying in my bed thinking of my dreams and ambitions. Which last night, was to simply fall asleep.

This has taken far too long to write so I'll just come out and say it because I'm bored listening to me type this

As of Sunday evening, I will be in........... (drum roll please)

this picture is creepy. but so are some of the people in vegas so it's fitting

Yes. Spring break officially starts at 4:55 for me today, although if we're honest, I've been in Vegas mentally since last Friday.

I just called it pre-gaming for Spring Break. We leave Sunday from Nashville, get in at 6 and will most likely already be drunk from the plane.

Best part of this entire experience?

Me. Only I'll be not old, not ugly and not a man. So really, just the pitcher. And I'd
probably steal the hat if I saw him.

I realized I hadn't shared this while trying to mentally go through my closet and decide which green outfit I have that will allow for the largest amount of beer consumption.

I hope they have green beer. Or green vodka. Or any sort of green drink that's not an amaretto sour or non-alcoholic.

Either way, I'd like to share an excerpt from a little book called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max as I feel it relates to what my trip will most likely be, only a girl version. It's either that, or I'm delirious from sleep deprivation and will look back at this and attempt to delete it. Probably the second. Either way..

We got so carried away with the gambling and the attention, the next time I took notice of my watch, it was 9am Friday morning, and I was feeling a bit tipsy. I casually asked the cocktail waitress how many beers I've had:

"I don't know sweetie. I work the 2am to 10am shift, and you were rolling along when I got here. I'd guess you've had at least 20 or 25 since I've been working."

drinking like a frat boy while at your sorority philanthropy event is the epitomy of class

i've always prided myself on my ability to binge drink at inappropriate times. ok, maybe it's not pride as much as it is amusement, but either way - it makes me giggle and this past weekend was no exception.

my sorority hosts a paintball tournament to raise money for our philanthropy, and sunday was our 2nd annual tournament. because it is much more exciting to go to.. well, any of our events when drunk, my friend.. we'll call her gerta rouse got me out of bed by offering beer and boys. so i begrudgingly put clothes on and began the beer drinking at 11 am. always a good choice.

on the ride to the tournament, we had our ride stop at a gas station to buy party cups and some beer. we were going to buy 40's, but given the economic crisis of present times, we decided a case would be better - we could keep some to drink next weekend. we were like a toby keith song and doing our part for the red white and blue.

cut to a couple hours later and we were headed for our 3rd refill in our cups. our cups held three beers each.

well, gerta rouse is still active in the chapter and i am alumnae.. which basically means i am immune to punishment while she is not. at around 3, the president and head of standards approached gerta rouse and told her she had to leave. she told them she would not, but would sit in the parking lot and wait for our guy friends who were playing and giving us a ride home. they agreed.

rookies.

i needed a refill anyway, so i decided to go out to the car with her. i got the keys, grabbed the first guy i saw that i knew, and headed to the car to shotgun a beer with the kicked out gerta rouse. classy. it probably wasn't 10 minutes later that we were out of beer. luckily, my sorority is not smart and put the event within walking distance of a gas station. and more beer. take an 18 pack that is following a 24 pack, a camera 2 party cups and 2 drunk girls and mix it together and you have a party.

i would periodically go back to the parking lot to check on her.. like when i needed more beer, but for the most part, i basked in the fact that i could not be yelled at for drinking and continued to cheer on my friends.

after the tournament was over, we accompanied the boys to their house where we joined 4 guys who were, amazingly, as drunk as us. the 6 of us decided moving the couch to the front porch made for much more comfortable heckling at passerbyers than regular chairs, so we brought it out.

the next couple hours get a little hazy, but at around 8, gerta rouse and i decide to head to chili's for some much needed food. of course, neither of us were driving so i told the first guy i saw to drive us, and either he was immediately smitten with me or he saw that we would probably be arrested if we attempted to walk across campus to the chili's.. either way, we made it to chili's where the manager came over after our first round of 2 beers (they come that way) and told us we could not have any more beer. "bahhh you can't have any more beers," is generally the appropriate response in that situation. which translated out of drunk speech to english means "i don't care. it's still light out. i'm wasted. and i'm wearing sunglasses in chili's. thanks for not kicking me out."

after that, i decided i should go home as i had a french midterm in the morning.

i got an 85.

amazing.

#57 of 1001

Y'ALL, I GOT A 97 ON MY STATISTICS EXAM!!!! i am beyonddddd excited.


57. Get an A on both a French and a Statistics test

this post is about nothing

i was gonna write something intellegent or mildly entertaining, but my brain has been fried this week from excess amounts of addherol, no sleep and most importantly - a severe lack of alcohol. i can't decide if the shakes are from the first too or the last one.

anyway, it's mardi gras weekend and i plan on wearing the sparkly purple, gold and green hat i stole from an unsuspecting boy at the bar last night. no one can resist my charm. also, no one can get their hat back from you when you've run out of the bar, down the street and hid behind a newspaper box until your friends find you clutching the hat like it was the golden ticket (although now i wish it were the golden ticket as a trip to wonka factory sounds delcious).

i hope i don't see that boy out. actually, i hope that boy doesn't see me out because if we're being honest, i have no idea what he looks like. whooooops...

anyway... hope everyone has a good mardi gras weekend! also, first person to see women who look like these ladies win....

spider pig! spider pig! does whatever spider pig does!

GUESS WHAT I GOT, Y'ALL!

A CAT! i'm so freaking excited. his name is Spider Pig (yes, after the simpson's movie) bc when i first saw him, he climbed up the cages in the room he was in.. and then got bored and climbed back down them. face first. as if he were walking. it was the coolest thing i've ever seen... and so i said he climbs like a spider monkey, and then remembered homer's song and thought it was hilarious. thus, spider pig. i call him pig for short. making his blogger debut... here he is :) what do y'all think?

super bowl sunday = fattest day of the year

this weekend was the super bowl. a weekend that is known for belligerency, fatty foods and the occasional football watching. not wanting to be left out, i decided i would partake in all of the above - but would be smart about it, as i had a french test on monday at 9. therefore, instead of taking the whole weekend out to booze, i would only go out friday, study study study saturday and not partake in drinking like a fish on sunday night to ensure i could study a little more after the game and be well rested for monday morning.

which was all find and dandy in theory.

the problem with most of my plans is that they are simply that - theories.

i went out friday, drank my body weight in beer, went to jimmy john's with my friend to feast on the goodness that is a turkey sandwich at 3 am, took the t home (aka - the drunk bus) and passed out in my bed.

i then woke up on saturday, at 2:45, and tried to clear my mind of the haze that was around surrounding it, beckoning me to the beer fridge, and sat at my friend's house to study. i facebooked for 4 hours. at 3, my best guy friend texted and called me incessantly in a feeble attempt to have me join him for drunk food, since he had gone to the bar. because i had not partaken in the gloriousness that is saturday night on a college campus, drunk food was not my idea of a good time.

sunday, however, is a completely different story.

i went to one of the fraternity houses to watch the super bowl in the living room that was complete with surround sound, projector, huge screen and stadium style couch seating. gloriousness. oh, did i mention the huge beer fridge that was stocked to the max and mine for the taking? oh, well that was there too. i, being responsible and studious, decided to only have a few beers (nobody wants to be the debbie downer). cut to the end of the super bowl and i'm having a conversation with a random boy when WHAM! it hits me - i'm drunk.

at this point, i decide there are 2 ways we can go about this. i can stop drinking, hope to sober up a little bit and study, or i can succumb to it and continue on my merry, drunken way and be fully hydrated. deciding i am simply too thirsty still to stop in my tracks, i decide drinking more beer, half a bag of franzia and taking a shot are some of the greatest ideas i've had that day.

which may or may not be debatable.

when we left, i did what i am most ashamed of.

i ate not one, but two drunk meals.

two drunk meals i would not go anywhere near if i were sober. mcdonald's breakfast mcgriddles and krystal's cheeseburgers. now, i don't know if you've ever had either of these, but they are not exactly a part of the food pyramid, a balanced meal, or actually good at all. so why, you may ask, would i succumb to not one, but two meals of extrodinary calories? because i was not the one buying them. oh, and because i'm a moron.

needless to say, i woke up this morning late and drunk. oh, and feeling like i may vomit mcdonalds and krystal's all over my french exam. which i'm almost certain i failed.

awesomeeeee.

in other news, #18 of my 101 things is close to becoming a reality. i am 90% sure i am going to run the Music City 1/2 Marathon in Nashville, TN!! Yayy!!

101 things in 1,001 days

so i was poking around and saw a post about writing down, and completing 101 things in 1,001 days here, and i think it's a great idea. i wrote mine... y'all should do it, too. i think it'll be fun to be able to change the color on the lines of things! yayy!

key:

not started

in progress

completed

101 Things in 1001 Days

1. Make the dean’s list at least twice
2. Bring my GPA up to something I can talk about publicly
3. Cook all the recipes in my mom’s recipe book
4. Create my own recipe book
5. Go to 5 concerts, at least 2 out of state
6. Start writing a book
7. Graduate from The University of Tennessee
8. Backpack Europe
9. Visit Australia
10. Learn to surf
11. Learn to speak French conversationally (it doesn’t have to be perfect, but enough to be able to be confident in France)
12. Study more
    
13. Stop binge drinking more than twice a week
    
14. Go sky-diving
15. Take a photography class
16. Go fishing
17. Run a 5K
18. Run a half marathon or marathon for leukemia research
19. Help someone to make themselves more healthy - be it eating habits, exercise or just mentally
    
20. Visit Hawaii
21. Go to Vegas
22. Rescue a pet (PIG!!!)
23. Buy a new computer (yayyy my new MacBook!!!)
24. Make a new friend every month
25. Send my mother flowers
26. Blog more – at least a few times a week
27. Be more honest
28. Go scuba diving in another country
29. Kiss someone under the Eiffel Tower
30. Attend a red carpet event
31. Be a vegetarian for at least three months in a row
32. Find a job that I like
33. Find a job after graduation
34. Make my parents proud
35. Visit my mom more than once a year (Christmas, summer...)
36. Make t-shirts for my friends for an event (Drunk on the Plane shirts from Vegas)
37. Take a trip with friends that requires a flight (VEGAS!!)
38. Go on a cruise
39. Kiss someone in the rain
40. Volunteer at Habitat for Humanity
41. Teach English in Africa
42. Introduce a guy to all my parents and not be ashamed or worried of their reaction
43. Stress less about my step-mom
44. Work at a sleep-away summer camp
45. Work on a ski slope for a winter
46. Go camping
47. Get out of overdraft
48. Learn how to not hate my mom’s boyfriend
49. Host a dinner party (deliciousness)
50. Cook a holiday meal
51. Organize my room
52. Stop eating when I drink for 60 days
53. Find a pair of jeans that fits me well, or….
54. Fit into my skinny jeans again
55. Take the LSAT
56. Make a candlelit dinner
57. Get an A on both a French (90%!!) and a Statistics test (97% AND a 94%!!)
58. Learn to dance
59. Take more cooking classes
60. Learn to golf
61. Learn the entire Michael Jackson Thriller dance
62. Visit all the schools in the SEC (12)
63. Go to Mardi Gras
64. Go to the Kentucky Derby again
65. Do sober what I say I’m going to do drunk
66. Read a new book every month (January - The Last American Man, February - I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, March - Twilight, April - Breaking Dawn, May - Harry Potter #6, June - Harry Potter #7 [don't judge])
    
67. Tell my ex-boyfriend to leave me alone without worrying about what he’ll do because of it
68. Read the books I was supposed to read in high school
69. Do Big Brothers Big Sisters of America
70. Coach a cheerleading team again
71. Swim with dolphins
72. Visit my best friend in Milwaukee
73. Write more thank you notes
74. Participate in Meals on Wheels
75. Cuddle with someone in front of a fire
76. Create, and stick to, a workout plan
77. Go on a road trip
78. Make a cake covered in fondant
79. Hang Christmas lights on the outside of my house
80. Participate in another religion’s tradition
81. Learn how to successfully make at least 5 drinks well
82. Go to Nashville and act like a total tourist (taking pictures with all the statues and whatnot)
    
83. Go to a football bowl game
84. Go whitewater rafting
85. Talk to my extended family more often
86. Learn to make at least 15 recipes from memory (not including salad and spaghetti)
87. Buy all the seasons of The Office
88. Go to an art gallery opening
89. Make a dress
90. Take time out each week to do nothing and relax my mind
91. Go hiking
92. Drink less Coke
93. Buy stock
94. Spend New Year’s in a different city than the one I live in
95. Do something for someone else on my birthday
96. Write an essay and have it published
97. Freebie – y’all’s suggestions?
98. Mow the yard for my mom
99. Get an internship
100. Go see a television show in person
101. Audition to be in a play

wish me luck!! :)

the one where i found my car

so i realized i never actually finished telling the tale of 2 cities... er, my missing car. so the next day, after walking around trying to find my car, i decided to give up and wait until my friend picked me up to do the most logical thing i could think of after an evening of epic proportions: drink. we drove around the strip (where the bars are) and up and down the parking lots. we went into the garages. we even went to the restaurants on the opposite part of the street from where i was the night before.

i back tracked in my mind, desperately searching for something of familiarity and remembered being at the bank. unfortunately, our banks like to tow at any chance humanly possible.

after calling a few tow companies, i finally found it.

city of knoxville: 1
ptpb: 0

you know what makes me laugh?

...emo kids.

i think a fun thing to do on a saturday afternoon after spending the previous night binge drinking for a friend's birthday, seeing your favorite 80's cover band, and making out with your best friend (whoops...) is to go to the movies. if your movie theatre happens to be located in the mall, it will make for even better amusement.

our movie theatre just so happens to be placed smack dab in the middle of the mall, so it works out well when your movie is sold out. instead of having to go home or find a different theatre, you can simply trudge on over to the ruby tuesday's and sit at the bar until the next showing.

while sitting at ruby's, we made big plans for our day. we would get party cups of beer and walk around hot topic, as we felt the best way to venture into the murky depths that is hot topic is to do it drunkenly. once we left ruby's and got closer to the h.t., our ambitions faltered and the executive decision was made to just take our party cups and go to the movie. well, either that or by the time we started walking, we forgot about the h.t. completely.

don't you fret though - those h.t. shoppers were littered throughout the entrance of the movies, and since the theatre frowns upon outside food and drinks, we had to sit outside to finish our beer and oogle the emo-ness that is knoxville's high schools.

by the end of the day, i learned a few things...
- emo kids are funny
- no matter how skinny or not skinny you are, to be emo you must wear skin tight jeans
- beer always makes things funnier
- asking a kid "hey.. little person! how old are you?" warrants the answer "12. hey big person! how old are YOU?"
- trying to make friends with emo kids by asking what time mom's picking them up in the mini van warrants looks that make you first fear for your life
- wearing a t-shirt that has your sorority name on it means you don't have to try to explain to the ticket ripper guy that you're not emo, but the party cups will make you do it anyway, even after he tells you he didn't think you were emo in the first place
- vampires can't drink beer
- kicking open doors and screaming "I'M A VAMPIRE!" does not make people think you are a vampire.

can you guess what movie i saw?

dude, where's my car

so i woke up thursday to my head screaming at me due to the phone that was next to me in bed, ringing. i rolled over to make the horribleness stop, when i saw it was a friend of mine who rarely calls me before 8 pm. fearing something may be wrong, i answered it.

him: hey there, ptpb... i'm on my way to class and my friend and i were reminiscing about things past, and we were wondering.. how's your car doing today?

my immediate reaction was, oh god. did i do something stupid and leave my car at his house last night?! did i dream going to a bar last night, and never made it out with him and my other friends? so i did what any normal person would do..

me: haha, of course it is!
him: (long awkward pause) .... do you remember hitting the pole outside my house last night?
me: hahha oh gosh, of course

lies. i did not.

so as soon as i got off the phone, i put shoes on and walked downstairs expecting to see my car smashed so smithereens. upon opening the door, i saw no signs of my car. hmm. so i walked the stairs to my room with floods of memories coming back to me at once.

i went to my friend's house to drink with them for her birthday. when they left to go to our basketball game, i came home to change. upon being dressed, i decided waiting another hour and a half to drink was a terrible idea, so i called one of my guy friends and drove to his house to drink and watch the game with him and 2 other guys.

did i mention i'd only eaten 5 crackers with cheese and a few m&m's all day? yeah, that's probably something to mention.

so, after taking 7 shots of whiskey, drinking between 3 and 8 beers, kicking ass at table hockey on my iphone, we hear from the birthday girl and crew. we all decide the bars are a good time and go.

then my memory gets a bit hazy.

some things happened, i walked into the bar, saw my friends and said hi. then some other things happened and i decided to just leave the bar without telling anyone. did i have a beer at the bar? i don't know. did i talk to people a lot? hmm. was i there for only 30 seconds? it seems like it.

so i left for class a little later with many questions going through my mind. highest on the list - where were my keys, and, more importantly, my car.

cut to 5 pm, i was walking home from class and decided to take a loop around the block to see if i had parked in someone's yard a block away. no sign of my car. while taking the last turn towards my house, our campus shuttle drove by me. i giggled to myself at it, without being sure why. and then i remembered the seat covers inside, which is something i generally would never remember so vividly from not having been in something in a little over a year. and then, like a flood of memories, i realized i had walked out of the bar and there, like a sign from god, there was the shuttle. beckoning me to get in and ride home.

so the question still remained - where did i park my car?

i called the 2 guys who were with me and between the 3 of us, we had no idea where my car could possibly be. how that is possible, i don't know for sure. perhaps it was the not eating, or the thought that i should drink like a frat guy. one can never be sure. but i am sure that i am a moron.