baaahahaha i need to go to sleep.

Emo Kids + Fake IDs = Good Times or Too Much Crying for One World?

Ahh, the youth of America. Such a strange group of people. I don't mean to look down on the troubled lives of these clearly heartbroken children whose parents didn't love them enough.*

::cough cough::

i wonder if he got that clip from Claire's...

That being said, I can understand why they would crave the goodness that is alcohol. These are trying times my friend, and who am I to tell the youth of America not to drink. I mean, if they drank, maybe they wouldn't look like they were about to stone me to death every time I walked past a Hot Topic.

I've always thought that if a high schooler wants to drink, then go ahead. God knows I drank in high school. That is, until I received a phone call from my step-mom.

"Hey.. I was just thinking: maybe next time you go in town, you could go to the DMV and get a copy of your license for your sister. It's close enough to looking like her. Not that I'm condoning her drinking, but it would be nice for her to have."

...

Few things: my sister is 16. She just got her license a month ago. She looks NOTHING like me. She's the worst driver I've ever seen.

Did I mention she's 16?

7 years younger than me.

Yeah... I don't think that's gonna work so much in either of our favors.

Change the name to match hers, and this is about what it would look like

What're y'all's thoughts? Should I yield to the alcohol gods and bestow this privilege on the unsuspecting town of Ohio that she lives in, or should I make her suffer as I suffered and pray that someone else could get us all the beer our little livers could handle?

In my experience, not having a fake ID was a much cheaper option in the longer run for myself, as I never had to pay for the gloriousness that is beer.

* I'm allowed to make fun of emo kids, as my sister, who comes from a family that walked straight out of a Vineyard Vines catalog is convinced she is as emo as it comes

Freeeee Chocolate!!

I don't know if they send them internationally (Sorry, Ben), but if you go to Mars Chocolate's website (the guys who make the ever delicious M&Ms today (or any Friday I think), you can register for a free chocolate bar that they'll send to you!

I just found it and am pretty stoked, so I thought I'd share the wealth!  :) 

Hope yall are having a good Friday!

Just your typical Saturday night...

As we all know, I generally try to keep my life as classy as possible, whenever possible.  I make an effort to never get wiggidy wasted, lose things, or just make a general ass of myself.

Oh wait.  Yes I do.  Constantly.

This weekend was.. well, another one for the books.  Tuesday of this week, we went out and somehow, I managed to lose my wallet within one block.  I wasn't even really sure that was possible, but after stepping back and assessing the situation, I have decided I put some sort of freezing spell on my friends, a la Harry Potter, ran up to the first homeless person I saw, took out my wallet and informed them that they needed it much more than I did, and then ran back to my friends, unfroze them, and walked the 1 block home.  

Clearly, it makes much more sense then the fact that I'm an idiot.

Being the procrastinator that I am, I chose to use the week to not go get a new license, but instead to hope that my wallet full of gift cards, credit cards, and just generally important things would turn up.  It really is amazing, if you think about it, how much you can learn from someone in a wallet.

But anyway, seeing as I had no money or ID, I was forced to make a decision:  stay at home, or try my damnedest to go out.  Of course, I chose option numbero dos.  Strapped with enough vodka for a small elephant, my student ID (which thankfully was in my backpack), my social security card and a copy of my birth certificate, I headed out for the town.  If that's not determination, I don't know what is.

We started at my friends house, where I drank 3/4 vodka, 1/4 water and a dash of Crystal Light mixtures.  Once I finished my 2nd, followed by a few shots, I was definitely ready to get the party started, so we left and headed towards the bars.  

Upon arrival, everyone ordered what they wanted from the bartender previously mentioned in my birthday shitshow, and when he asked me what I wanted, I sadly informed him that I had lost my wallet.  He looked at me like I had 9 heads, grabbed a pitcher and poured it for me.  It's good to have friends in high places.

Next thing I know, the biggest creeper guy to ever walk the streets (and for some reason, has a strange infatuation with me) was buying shots.

I awoke the next morning on a Lazy-Boy recliner with a comforter over me.  How I got there was a mystery beyond mysteries, but I do know this much:  when you are stirred to consciousness from a conversation that goes as this one did, you know not everything went quite as planned the night before...

"Do you know her?"

"No dude, I don't know her, I thought you knew her..."

"Well how'd she get in here?"

"She came in the front door.. I guess I didn't lock it and when I saw her, I figured she was cute so I let her stay."

............

Confused and dazed, I realized I not only didn't know them, but I didn't know where my shoes or purse was.  I had one of them call my phone, and when I didn't hear it, I just decided to bolt out the door, hoping that if I moved fast enough, they wouldn't remember what I looked like, but would somehow alter their minds to think they had a crazy party last night and I just passed out afterwards.

I ran into my apartment (which happens to be the one directly below them, and yes, I now pray every time I go outside that they will not see me) and immediately went into my roommates room to inquire about the happenings of the previous evening.  She had no answers, as she had been "talking" (making out) with a rando boy for most of the evening.

I'm not sure if there was a full moon this past Saturday night, or just the beginning of some plague where a lady's pride, dignity and respect fly out the window like it sees Santa Clause down the street, but man oh man...  I would give anything to see me attempting to walk up the stairs and into a random apartment.  

The Greatest Movie Trailer... Ever.

I know it was broadcasted like a week ago but I can not stop watching this clip of the trailer for New Moon.

Even if you don't like Twilight, it's still hilarious. I have literally watched it like 10 times already and laugh just as hard every time when he runs naked through the woods. Oh Andy Samberg, how I feel we could be great friends.

The Mouse's Ear

Exciting news!  I FINALLY got a new computer!!  Yayyyy!!!  No more going days without any link to important things like facebook and stalking my famous "friends."  Also, way easier to actually write on here.  So without further ado...

I know you have all been waiting on pins and needles and putting, probably, too much thought into what we did on Sunday. Well, I'll finally tell y'all. Hope you're not too disappointed since I may or may not have put a little too much into the lead up. 

Or something.

Ok, so Sunday, we woke up and weren't planning on doing much. It was Senior Roast for our sorority (everyone goes on a boat and they roast the graduating seniors). I slept through it. Whoopssss... But don't worry because I did make it up in time to meet them at our favorite bar with a patio at 4 o'clock.

I was the first to arrive, and so, doing what any normal person would do, I sat at the bar to wait for them over a pitcher. 

Once everyone was there, we decided to move out to sit on the patio. On the patio was a man who made my typical drunken antics look like childs play. He had moonshine grapes that he referred to as olives, and decided everyone on the patio should have some. To say he could stand would be a very generous thing to say, but he was going to have everyone eat one if his life depended on it. The bartender came out and laughed with us at him, explaining that this man comes by quite often, and that he probably should have given him a lot more alcohol when he was drinking like a fish so he would be passed out by now. Interesting way to look at it, I thought. He also informed him of the man's sexual preference by this story:

"He came into the bar and told me if I gave him 4 shot glasses, he would show me his penis and told me I could touch it if I wanted."

I'll let you infer for yourself what that means...

After awhile, it began to get a little chilly, so we moved our 6 person party inside.  We picked a table, but it was dirty, so I went to the bar and asked for napkins.  When the bartender said no, I immediately said "BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" 

Mistake # 1. 

Instead of napkins, he poured me a shot of goldschlager.  I hate goldschlager.  He then tried to follow it up with Rumplemintz, but seeing as it was barely 6 and I wasn't trying to throw up everywhere, I bargained to a shot of Jack Daniels.  The delicious Tennessee whiskey.  

I then told one of the regular bouncers (who I'd never actually talked to) to find me cards and to come play drinking games.  He started to object, but quickly realized there is basically no objecting me (especially on my birthday) and agreed.  We played Circle of Death, never have I ever, Fuck the Dealer and whatever else we could think of.  For each game, I had 1 to 3 shots.

Mistake # 2 (or is that smart idea #2?)

Raffa, my new bouncer friend, informed us that we could only stay until 9, as that's when they were going to a strip club and we were to go with them.  We laughed and informed him there was no way we were going to a strip club called The Mouse's Ear.

9 PM:  We're going to the strip club.

Mistake #3.

Now, I am no strip club officianado, as I had only been to one before this.  And that... "strip club" was somewhere my step-brother and his 3 friends tricked me into going.  It was also the classy strip club that included a pool table, pasties, cellulite and a juke box that the strippers had to put quarters in to pick their songs, and I'm pretty sure a few diseases spread out between the people working there.

The strip club we attended on this particular Lord's Day of Rest was... interesting.  Apparently, you could bring in your own beer, and it doesn't matter how you look to attend.  Also, if it's your birthday, they will let you literally run around the place.

I'm not saying that I necessarily did or did not run around the bar.  Hint: I did.  I also would sit down, think of a song I NEEDED to hear, run over to the DJ booth and inform him of my obsure song selection.  Mainly, I just would say, "Are you absolutely sure you can't just download I'm On A Boat?!  Ugh.  Fine.  I dunno.. play like... Single Ladies," which is a song I found amusing since I'm pretty sure none of the ladies there had anyone put a ring on it.  

By closing time, I had become "friends" with the bartender, manager, owner, DJ, bouncer, random attendee and had polished off the better part of a case.  We had also become friends with one of the strippers, named "April," but her real name was "Summer."  Being that it was my birthday and my new friends decided that I should be treated, they bought me a 2 song lap dance.  And by lap dance, I mean April/Summer just took off all her clothes and danced in front of me.  I couldn't stop thinking about her son at home and how she was probably hating her life at the moment, so I felt incredibly awkward.  I informed the guy who bought it that I wasn't really sure where  to look, so he said I should just look into her eyes.  Tip for life:  that makes things way more awkward.  

After she was done having sex with my eyes, I invited her to my birthday dinner the next night, and one of my friends took her phone number.  Why?  We'll never know.  On one trip to the bathroom, I noticed stairs that my friend told me I wasn't allowed to go up.  Psh.  "It's my birthday," I informed her and ran up the stairs.

Did you know strip clubs have tanning beds in their changing rooms?  Neither did I.  Now you know.  However, I'm pretty sure none of the girls there actually use it.  

Upon departure, the owner told us to come back as much as we wanted, as he thoroughly enjoyed us.  I think in strip club owner speak, that means we were definitely the drunkest people there, and I'm pretty sure spent the most amount of money.  Either that, or he's hoping we'll apply for a job.

The bartender who was earlier offered a peep show drove us all home, and somehow, ended up at my house with my two best friends and I.  Still a mystery.  What I do remember from the end of the evening is running downstairs with him, making out on my couch, and then going waking up the next morning with an extra-large cooler of beer, the keg again, lots of empty beer cans, cuddling with the bartender while sleeping next to my two best friends.

When we woke up, we watched YouTube videos and then all went to lunch.  All wearing my pajamas.  At 3 pm.