i have, of course, gotten to the point i have in my life by doing a little game called bowing to the porcelain gods. mind you, sometimes this god is in the shape of a toilet, sometimes it's like a little garden outside my college dorm. either way, i have my fair share of "bad" evenings. i, however, have never had an evening where i have ended up needing to change my pants, borrow someone else's, or been embarrassed out of a state.
my friends, on the other hand, have. i'm not entirely sure what it is, or where that thin line is, but it seems more and more, whether it be a tip-toe or a full sprint, they are all crossing it.
you may have an idea of what i'm talking about, but the stories are sometimes amusing, and, since it just happened to me again, i have decided to share them.
the full sprint
last november, two of my best friends and i decided we would all go to the tennessee - arkansas football game. i lived in ohio at the time, friend #2, "jg", went to indiana university and friend #3, "eb", went to arkansas. it was a reunion of sorts.
the second night of being in town, friday, we take our time to ensure we look good, and head out to hanna's, a favorite bar of mine on the strip. we run into a bunch of people i know, and an old high school friend of ours, "english," who also goes to UT. english and his roommates begin the shot parade.
later in the evening, jg and i, professional drinkers, decide if we want to make it through the evening (post-party and all), we need to take a break on the shots. after all, there was at least another hour and a half at the bar and we didn't want to miss out on anything. eb, the one who almost never drinks, decides we're stupid and will take our shots for us. we advise her that her current plan is one of her dumbest, but she insists.
after the bar closes, we head to english's apartment for more drinking, dancing and ridiculousness. eb lays on the couch while jg, english, english's roommates and i shotgun a beer. all of a sudden, i see eb sit up and start running. having done it once or twice myself, i recognized the run as the one of desperation and praying you make it to the bathroom. i then realized the turn from hallway to bathroom is a u-turn - one that is hard to make if you are running while sober.. next to impossible to do wasted. so, being the friend i am, i run after her with jg close behind.
impressively, she almost made the turn. not so impressively, at the last minute, she tripped on nothing, hit her knee on the bathroom floor and her face on the sink. ow. i wanted to laugh, but realized she very well may have a terrible concussion from the insanely loud thud i just heard and was about to be very worried, but she didn't seem to notice it. she did, however, notice she had hit her knee and demanded her pants be taken off of her and a band-aid put on the invisible cut. we did as asked.
we placed eb in position: sitting on floor, facing toilet, contemplating death. she then says to me "i have to poop." hmm. strange. but ok i guess. i pick her up and place her on the toilet. after sitting there for about a minute, she says "mmmmmmmmmno. i have to throw up." um. ok. i take her off the toilet and back to the floor. "mmmmmmmmno. i have to poop." "are you serious right now?!" "iiiiii... have to thhhhr-poop." i pick her up again. "no. i have to throw up." we go back and forth at this a good 10 or so times, and finally my arms are too tired to play this game and jg can't pick eb up.
i inform eb i will pick her up and put her back down one more time and then she has to choose which one she wants to do, noting that she doesn't have to poop. we do so, and she chooses the throw up route. and then, i told her to just throw up already because the bathroom was tiny for one person, let alone three.
she sits there quietly for a minute while jg and i exchange annoyed looks. after a second of silence, eb looks me dead in the eyes (first time she's done this since we've been in the bathroom) and says simply..
"look what you made me do."
"what?"
"i just shit myself."
"shut up."
and then, as if we were in a padded room where no one would hear her, and not actually in a college apartment with walls as thick as a couple pieces of paper, she yells.
"IIIII JUSSSTTTT SSHIITT MYYYSEEEELLLLFFFF!!!!"
while eb sat on the floor, screaming "i just shit myself" repeatedly, jg checked to confirm. she then looked at me and said "oh. my. god. she did."
we try to silence eb from screaming about what she's just done (there were 5 boys on the other side of the wall, after all), and after screaming about 2 dozen more times, she stops. then, as if she had been sober this entire time and it was all a big joke on us, she stands up, takes off her underwear and begins to wash them off in the sink.
WHAAT!??!
jg takes them from her and throws them in the shower because eb is outrageous. after this happens, eb remembers what i just made her do, flips out at me, and kicks me out of the bathroom, which is, of course, fine by me because i don't have to clean up poop. not so great for eb because jg can't lift her.
i walk out of the bathroom, down the hallway and into the living room. there, in silence, staring at the floor are the five boys. upon my entrance, they all slowly look up at me, silent. english gives me a look that says "please. please tell me it's not true. please tell me the girl i dated sophomore year didn't just poop on my floor. please tell me there isn't poop on my floor." i wanted to tell them it was a silly joke, but i didn't want to lie to them. instead, i simply nodded to which they all did that breathe in thing that you do when you hear something horrible just happened to your bathroom floor - a mixture of holy shit that just happened and sorry dude, that blows.
jg came running out, begging me to return to the bathroom, as she couldn't help eb, and i agreed. no reason to punish her. it was, after all, what i made her do.
no words were spoken about it for the rest of the night. we simply got her pj's, put her on the futon next to english's bed (after all, if a girl had just pooped on my floor, the last place i'd want her to be is in my bed), washed our hands and went to join the boys to drink a well deserved beer.
the next day, english stayed as far away from eb as he possibly could, and to this day, seems to feel the need to leave wherever he is when she enters. i would feel bad, but she spent the next day yelling at me for being the one who told everyone about her incident and not actually her repeatedly screaming it from the bathroom. oh, and for making her do it.
i'm not entirely sure what this has to do with anything, but it came up
when i google image searched "being drunk and pooping on yourself"
when i google image searched "being drunk and pooping on yourself"
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