thong bikinis: your thoughts?

i've lived in south florida for the better part of my life, so i have been to the beach more times then i could ever even attempt to count.  therefore, i've seen just about everything there is to see at a beach...  young people having sex, old people having sex, dancing, thong bikini's on people that should never, ever be allowed to wear thongs under any circumstance, people jogging, people doing that crazy karate thing that moves really slowly, underage drinking, frisbee.. you name it, i've probably seen it.

i've been visiting this christmas break from knoxville and been, if not on, then close to the beach every day and there is one thing that has always made me curious.  

what is it about florida and the beach that make people (usually tourists) throw caution to the wind and arrive in practically their birthday suits?  i mean, i am aware that sometimes, it's a tidge warm out and perhaps you want to be sure to show off that newly purchased bikini as much as possible... but i live in florida and would never show up to the beach in a bikini and a vest, and that's it.  maybe that makes me lame, but i feel that there are certain things everyone driving along A1A don't need to see.  

so i suppose my question is, is it simply because i grew up in florida that a t-shirt and shorts are enough skin exposure for me to walk to and from my car and i should test out the thong bikini to expand my horizons, or am i the more normal one in this approach?

merry christmas, pseudo person

soo..  i admit.   i've been a shitty blogger.  life's been fun and there have been stories that i have been standing in the shower thinking about sharing, but by the time i get out of the shower and doing the whole writing in my head thing, i forget.   i apologize.   i resolve to be better.

merry day after christmas.   well, i guess now it's day after day after christmas.  i hope everyone's christmas was as delightful as mine.  mine can be summed up in this awkward conversation between me and my mom's pseudo-boyfriend:

PTPB:  "hey, (insert pseudo-boyfriend's name).  Happy Holidays!"

pseudo:  "hey PTPB.  wow, you've gained weight since i last saw you."

awesome.

merrrrrrryyyyy christmas mom's crazy fake boyfriend.

you heard it here first

i think it's important to keep up with, and be ahead of fashions. i mean, you don't want to be at a party wearing a jean jacket and have a random boy come up to you and tell you jean jackets are way too 90's to be wearing to a party. not that that's happened to me... i mean.. um...

moving on.

so anyway, saturday, i went to my friend's apartment because after i got off work, i wanted to booze and figured i should call the person i had informal formal with the night before, as the price of the drinks were split between us and i didn't want to cut her out.

once i got to her apartment carrying an evan william's container that looked like mouthwash and a half case of natty light, she informed me a girl we used to know, but had to divorce because she was too much of a ho was coming over and bringing wine for them to do an english project.

the project was in a class about lord of the rings and they were going to take pictures to send to argum or something like that. i would probably know a little more of it had i cared. besides, i was reading the chelsea handler q&a in playboy. no time for finding out the reason they were dressed up like crazy people.

so they decided, in order to be more lord of the rings-ish, they needed to put some eye bling on. what is eye bling? it's those rhinestone things that people thought were really cool in like, 1999.. they look a little like this...


totally classy.

so, they adhere their rhinestones and go to take pictures, leaving me in the apartment with a full beer. i decided i wanted to make my own little design on my hand, because it was subtle and yet fabulous.

an hour and 6 beers later, i decided to leave said hand bling on for the rest of the evening.

awesomeeeeee plan.

so we rampage around knoxville for a little, and end up at one of the bars on the strip. i have all of no money on my bank account because i decided beer and krystal's was the way to spend my money the night before, and so i did what all classy people do - snuck natty light cans into the bar and drank it little by little out of shot glasses.

class.

so after a little bit, we're standing semi-near the door and in walks a group of girls who are wearing eye bling. and they are wearing it like they are proud - with extra glitter around it for the added pop.

i decide the best move i can make in this situation is to turn to her and say you!?! and point to her eye bling and then, me!!!! and show her my hand bling. she was mighty excited.

her: "OH MY GOD. DON'T YOU LOVE THE BLING!"

me: "TOTALLY! it's like a disco ball, but better!"

her: "i'm like.. OBSESSED with glitter. anything glitter and you send it over here!"

me: "i can tell. i mean, i like your eye shadow. OOH. i think you'll appreciate this. have you ever heard of a little publication called vogue?"

her: "totally. i loveee it."

me: "oh my god isn't it great? well. my mom is the editor and chief there (lie) and she and i were talking today about bling and she told me they're doing an expose in the feb '09 magazine all about how hand bling is the new bracelet kinda like when pink was the new black."

her: "shut up."

me: "i'm totally serious. you should totally tell your friends because obv by feb 09, it's gonna be too late because it'll be like.. everywhere."

her: "totally. i will. thanks!"

i then told her to have a great night and definitely tell her friends, then turned around to my friends while still listening to her to see if she would fill her friends in on this great fashion forwardness, or keep it to herself so she could act like her mom was the editor in chief at Vogue and she'd come up with it.

in true bling loving form, she turned to her friends and said "oh my god, yall. hand bling? new bracelet. we totally have to do it."

yes.

i swear, if i see hand bling popping up all over the country, i will pee myself from laughter.

christmas tree cakes are the lifeblood of the holiday season

sooo.. i wrote this on my phone last night and meant to send it to myself to post later, but i typed it in wrong and sent it to some random person. he wrote my back to let me know and also said he hoped i got off to sleep alright.

embarssing.

Days off rock my socks. And I mean literally bc I've been sporting some really rocking socks all day.

Anyway, today was my day off (hells yes my weekend ran long!! Only not really since I had to work Sunday..). Moving on! So I like days off. No one can tell you what to do and you can wear your Pj's all day. And who doesn't like a good pair of pajamas? Nobody.

A few weeks ago, our remote to the tv was stolen during a party and so the tv only plays DVDs. While making a horrendously loud noise that gets louder as you turn up the volume. Therefore, I spent all day in bed except to get up for food, and once to walk to the store 30 ft from my house to buy a 32 oz fountain cherry coke, Christmas tree cakes and vanilla wafers.

And who said healthy eating dies on college campuses?!

Now my only problem with my day of lounging is that I've been in a near comatose state all day and have to get up in 5 hours and am no where near tired.

Damn you hulu.com for contributing to my demise!!

strangers, waiting.. up and down the boulvard

sometimes, i like to think of my life as a game of clue. a sort of "who dunnit" at any given time. mainly, when things that have alcohol in them is involved, but even on my soberist of days.

i had to work this morning at 8, so being the responsible 22 year old that i am, i went to a bar to see an 80's cover band called the velcro pygmies. when the night began, i promised myself i wouldn't stay til last call and i wouldn't get too drunk so that i wouldn't have a problem getting up this morning.

i went to my friend's house to pregame, as no one should go see an 80's cover band sober, and drank just enough to make me.. shwasted. now, for those of you who aren't sure what the term "shwasted" means, it is another term for wasted, but it's way more fun to say when you are, in fact, wasted. rolls off the tounge way better.

anyway, since i was trying to not spend money and we were going to limit the amount of alcohol ingested, we brought along our own beer. natty light in a can in a koozie at a bar is always a good time. especially when there are so many people around, no one pays attention to the fact that natty light is definitely not served at a bar. excellent.

so after our 5th canned beer, we decided to head to the bar because we were parched and out of beer. i think band parties really bring out the best in people, because my friend, who has absolutely no game whatsoever had not one but two pretty ladies on either side of him eating up everything he said. i say mystery, you say beer goggles.

anyway, since i wasn't gonna stay until the end of the night (bars close at 2:30), i called our sober ride home at 2:25. well played. the lights came on, some people were horrified by the person they were dancing with, others went home to get it on.

my friend, nat-attack and i were going to make our way downstairs when we ran into an old friend that i haven't seen in over a year since i haven't been around knoxville and he's been in colorado. hugs, "oh my god it's you!", giggle giggle.. they were all passed around.

here's where the game of clue begins.... colorado boy, nat-attack, colorado's mystery friend and i all decide my house is the house to be and we should all definitely cuddle in my queen sized bed. how we got to that point, i have absolutely no idea. as far as i know, we said heyyyy at the bar and then poof! we were all cuddling.

i will say though, 4 people in my tiny, not fit for 4 people bed was not all that bad. granted, we all passed out and woke up still drunk at 7 am after going to sleep finally at 5, but props to the sealy people.

oh, and then i came home early from work for being sick. hooray for getting out of processing shipment and taking a nap instead!

why dad, why?

my dad requested me as a friend on facebook. i have accepted and blocked him from seeing... anything. then, he requested me as a friend on myspace.

what is happening to the world?

-7

who wants to marry me?

-7 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Poor (Failure) Take the test!

no problems here!

sometimes, a fun thing to do is go here and see if you have a problem.

ok, so i've only done it once and i was shocked and proud that i, despite my love of the beer, do not have to find a way to schedule AA meetings in there as well.

now that that's all cleared up, i think i'll go have nice frosty beverage. mmmmm beer!

nobel prize nominee

i don't know about y'all, but i use my shower for a multitude of reasons beyond not smelling like the homeless man i give my beer cans to. some reasons include musical sounding device, dance party station, drunk tank and thinking cap. maybe i'm just a crazy person who likes to make everything have multiple purposes. i've heard of people doing that. i think it's a disease. or maybe that was just schizophrenia. well, either way - i like it.

anyway, tonight, the thinking cap was on. the thoughts ranged from "dear lord, my boobs look big today" to "i wonder what palin's saying to the joe six-packs in wasilla" and if i was actually hungry or just bored again. while i was weighing the pros and cons of eating, something caught my eye like a flash in the night.

suction cups.

little itty bitty, baby suction cups.

question mark?

there are little, fabulous suction cups on my shower curtain.

SUCTION. CUPS.

now i don't know if this is a regular occurrence and i have been too busy perfecting the dirrty within me to notice or if this is a shower curtain from the future, but they are FABULOUS.

there are 2 bebe (pronounced beh-beh reallly quickly) ones on the top and 2 bebe ones on the bottom and if you turn the shower curtain just so, they stick to the wall!! now i realize this is what suction cups generally do, but who would have ever thought to put them on a shower curtain to help prevent water from getting all over your floor?! GENIUSSSS!

added bonus: at the end of the shower, you can rip them from the wall and hear the fun suction cup noise! yay!

suction cups: wave of the future, or old as grandma's cake recipe?

and yes, i realize that this is one of the dumbest posts in the history of blogging.

urinals: not the greatest of bathrooms for the ladies (part 2 of 3)

on the same weekend as this story, my other best friend, jg had a little accident as well.

her way of having an accident was a little less embarrassing than my dear friend eb.

that saturday, the day of the game, we woke up at english's apartment late. it was 10 am. we were supposed to wake up to start drinking at 9. the game started at 12:30, which meant we only had 2 1/2 hours to change, get drunk and make it to the game. quite the time crunch.

luckily, jg and i are quite the pros at funneling beers. we ran back to the apartment where our clothes were, changed and went to meet english and company at their fraternity house to begin the drinking. jg and i managed to funnel 10 beers in less than an hour and made new friends to sit with at the game. eb was somewhere around, but we were mad at her about the night before so we stayed away from her for the most part.



while at the game, our new friends provided us with whiskey they had wrapped around their legs to get into the stadium (it's a dry stadium), so we managed to not lose our buzz. once tennessee beat arkansas, we decided we should go change for the night ahead, but once we saw the traffic, decided we'd stay at the frat house to drink while waiting for the traffic to clear up.

we had mimosa's, beer, wine and whiskey delivered to us while we sat on the couch and chatted up our newer friends. two hours later, we all took a field trip to my friend's apartment to have a much needed dance party and to admire the fish, as evidence here...

fish are beautiful when you've been drinking for hours and it's not even dark outside yet.

after deciding that the horrible outfits we'd spent the day drinking in were definitely fraternity band party appropriate, we all piled in the car and headed back to the house. while there, jg and i made friends with some cute senior girls and taught them how to shotgun beers. if you're thinking it's strange that they'd made it that long in college and never shotgunned a beer, you'd be thinking the same thing i was when explaining it. then i was informed they were seniors... in high school.

ahhh, the youth of america.


later, we found our friend's blanket and pillow and decided they were necessary to complete our weekend of fun and memories, as pictures didn't seem to be enough. so we threw them out his window, expecting them to be found around the side of the house for us to pick up later and no one would know any better. out the window they went, with us quickly following down the stairs to pick up our new gifts. out the front door, and straight into our pillow/blanket. turns out, his window was directly above the front door. not as sneaky as we hoped, but it seemed no one even noticed them, as people were just walking around them, not questioning a thing.


quick run to the car and victory was ours.

a few hours later, some other stuff happened, and we realized we'd gone all night and hadn't used the restroom. upon this realization, we had to find one stat.

thanks to fraternities, all bathrooms have urinals. i, like most girls, opted for the toilet. jg decided a urinal would be a fun thing to do. i'm not entirely sure what the correct way of using a urinal is when you don't have the uh.. equipment necessary to do so, but her approach is not the right way, although i'm impressed she didn't fall and break her head open.

she assessed her options, and put one leg on the urinal to the right and one leg on the urinal to the left and climbed on up, pants around her ankles, across the middle urinal. she then proceeded to relieve herself - some of which got into the urinal, but for the most part, all over her legs and pants. genius.

she then took off her pants and began to wash them off in the sink. and then, she realized her pants were soaking wet and she was in a fraternity house, with nothing but cowboy boots, a sweatshirt and a thong on her body. notttt her greatest plan.

needless to say, i went and got her boxers to finish the evening off in.

we make our parents proud.

when friends embarass themselves and blame it on you (the first of either 2 or 3)

i don't know what it is about my friends and alcohol. i like to think of myself as a master of the alcoholic craftsmanship. i can throw down with the boys, and i handle myself and my alcohol quite well, if i do say so myself. there have been many nights that i've had a moment of clarity and am impressed by myself.

i have, of course, gotten to the point i have in my life by doing a little game called bowing to the porcelain gods. mind you, sometimes this god is in the shape of a toilet, sometimes it's like a little garden outside my college dorm. either way, i have my fair share of "bad" evenings. i, however, have never had an evening where i have ended up needing to change my pants, borrow someone else's, or been embarrassed out of a state.

my friends, on the other hand, have. i'm not entirely sure what it is, or where that thin line is, but it seems more and more, whether it be a tip-toe or a full sprint, they are all crossing it.

you may have an idea of what i'm talking about, but the stories are sometimes amusing, and, since it just happened to me again, i have decided to share them.



the full sprint

last november, two of my best friends and i decided we would all go to the tennessee - arkansas football game. i lived in ohio at the time, friend #2, "jg", went to indiana university and friend #3, "eb", went to arkansas. it was a reunion of sorts.

the second night of being in town, friday, we take our time to ensure we look good, and head out to hanna's, a favorite bar of mine on the strip. we run into a bunch of people i know, and an old high school friend of ours, "english," who also goes to UT. english and his roommates begin the shot parade.

later in the evening, jg and i, professional drinkers, decide if we want to make it through the evening (post-party and all), we need to take a break on the shots. after all, there was at least another hour and a half at the bar and we didn't want to miss out on anything. eb, the one who almost never drinks, decides we're stupid and will take our shots for us. we advise her that her current plan is one of her dumbest, but she insists.

after the bar closes, we head to english's apartment for more drinking, dancing and ridiculousness. eb lays on the couch while jg, english, english's roommates and i shotgun a beer. all of a sudden, i see eb sit up and start running. having done it once or twice myself, i recognized the run as the one of desperation and praying you make it to the bathroom. i then realized the turn from hallway to bathroom is a u-turn - one that is hard to make if you are running while sober.. next to impossible to do wasted. so, being the friend i am, i run after her with jg close behind.

impressively, she almost made the turn. not so impressively, at the last minute, she tripped on nothing, hit her knee on the bathroom floor and her face on the sink. ow. i wanted to laugh, but realized she very well may have a terrible concussion from the insanely loud thud i just heard and was about to be very worried, but she didn't seem to notice it. she did, however, notice she had hit her knee and demanded her pants be taken off of her and a band-aid put on the invisible cut. we did as asked.




we placed eb in position: sitting on floor, facing toilet, contemplating death. she then says to me "i have to poop." hmm. strange. but ok i guess. i pick her up and place her on the toilet. after sitting there for about a minute, she says "mmmmmmmmmno. i have to throw up." um. ok. i take her off the toilet and back to the floor. "mmmmmmmmno. i have to poop." "are you serious right now?!" "iiiiii... have to thhhhr-poop." i pick her up again. "no. i have to throw up." we go back and forth at this a good 10 or so times, and finally my arms are too tired to play this game and jg can't pick eb up.

i inform eb i will pick her up and put her back down one more time and then she has to choose which one she wants to do, noting that she doesn't have to poop. we do so, and she chooses the throw up route. and then, i told her to just throw up already because the bathroom was tiny for one person, let alone three.

she sits there quietly for a minute while jg and i exchange annoyed looks. after a second of silence, eb looks me dead in the eyes (first time she's done this since we've been in the bathroom) and says simply..

"look what you made me do."

"what?"

"i just shit myself."

"shut up."

and then, as if we were in a padded room where no one would hear her, and not actually in a college apartment with walls as thick as a couple pieces of paper, she yells.

"IIIII JUSSSTTTT SSHIITT MYYYSEEEELLLLFFFF!!!!"

while eb sat on the floor, screaming "i just shit myself" repeatedly, jg checked to confirm. she then looked at me and said "oh. my. god. she did."

we try to silence eb from screaming about what she's just done (there were 5 boys on the other side of the wall, after all), and after screaming about 2 dozen more times, she stops. then, as if she had been sober this entire time and it was all a big joke on us, she stands up, takes off her underwear and begins to wash them off in the sink.

WHAAT!??!

jg takes them from her and throws them in the shower because eb is outrageous. after this happens, eb remembers what i just made her do, flips out at me, and kicks me out of the bathroom, which is, of course, fine by me because i don't have to clean up poop. not so great for eb because jg can't lift her.

i walk out of the bathroom, down the hallway and into the living room. there, in silence, staring at the floor are the five boys. upon my entrance, they all slowly look up at me, silent. english gives me a look that says "please. please tell me it's not true. please tell me the girl i dated sophomore year didn't just poop on my floor. please tell me there isn't poop on my floor." i wanted to tell them it was a silly joke, but i didn't want to lie to them. instead, i simply nodded to which they all did that breathe in thing that you do when you hear something horrible just happened to your bathroom floor - a mixture of holy shit that just happened and sorry dude, that blows.

jg came running out, begging me to return to the bathroom, as she couldn't help eb, and i agreed. no reason to punish her. it was, after all, what i made her do.

no words were spoken about it for the rest of the night. we simply got her pj's, put her on the futon next to english's bed (after all, if a girl had just pooped on my floor, the last place i'd want her to be is in my bed), washed our hands and went to join the boys to drink a well deserved beer.

the next day, english stayed as far away from eb as he possibly could, and to this day, seems to feel the need to leave wherever he is when she enters. i would feel bad, but she spent the next day yelling at me for being the one who told everyone about her incident and not actually her repeatedly screaming it from the bathroom. oh, and for making her do it.

i'm not entirely sure what this has to do with anything, but it came up
when i google image searched "being drunk and pooping on yourself"

keep it safe. make 'em honk

i don't really have anything in particular to say, but i've been reading natalie dee's blog for seemingly forever lately and wanted to share. i figure most of them have to do with blogging so that, like, counts.. right? it sure does! enjoyyyy!

me this past sunday...

i understand that is far too many pictures to post in one sitting, but they're funny. seriously. y'all should go check 'em out!

pass the whiskey

things that seem like a good idea, but later, you realize are not.

• starting to drink at 1 for a 7 o'clock game
• helping boys break into their fraternity brother's room to get whiskey
• playing pass the handle of jack daniels with 4 guys
• having a private pass the handle with one other person while everyone else talks about life
• eating your body weight in cheesy bread from dominos
• running around a fraternity house in search of beer with the president of the fraternity, and then finding an empty room with a full fridge of beer and a handle of evan williams on the table
• shotgunning four beers and playing pass the handle with the president before someone catches you
• pretending you don't actually have a need for a liver
• going to the bar and splitting two pitchers of beer with one other person
• spraying mace in the middle of a bar, causing that side of the bar to clear out and cough uncontrollably
• talking shit about a girl who is sitting across the table from you.. and being pretty positive she can hear you saying how much you don't like her but don't even try to be less obvious
• not being taken home once the bar closes so that you can continue drinking
  
• playing pass the handle of evan williams... again
• shotgunning more beer
• dancing to 90's music until 5:30 in the morning
• passing out on your friend's couch
• waking up wanting to die
• deciding to walk home across campus
• stopping at smoothie king, running into your ex boyfriend
• upon being asked how everything's been, you simply say, "drunken" and then when there's an awkward silence, you decide to throw in "i got really drunk last night"

and then i decided i had to definitely still be drunk at 5:30 in the afternoon.

saturdays can be so fun...

return of condom-boy

so for anyone who was here post-deletion, i have an update on condom-boy. for those of you who weren't here before that, here's the long and the short of it....

two weeks ago, i went out with one of my roommates and we went to a friend of her's house to pre-game, which is where i met condom-boy (cb for short)... we went out to a bar around here, and my roommate left to go to her bf's house, leaving me with cb who wouldn't stop talking about the lord of the rings, even after i told him 1. didn't care. 2. was a harry potter fan and 3. didn't like the lord of the rings (i've never actually seen them, but come on - i just want to drink my beer). but i tolerated him and his annoying topics for discussion because he bought me beer, shots and jimmy john's. and i love me some jimmy john's. so, i made him walk me home because i was definitely not walking home alone at 2:30 in the morning. when we got to my apartment, he didn't leave and i just wanted to go to bed so i didn't really care. i woke up the next morning to him asking me to drive him home. i decided i guessed i could get out of bed and change my clothes since he'd bought me things the night before. we get downstairs, and my car is blocked in by my roommates. "well that sucks. have fun with that," i so kindly told him, and left him to walk the 20+ blocks alone in the cold, drizzly rain. i'm nice like that.

i was woken up a few hours later by my roommate who left me to make sure i was alive and well. as she was leaving, she turned back around, and said "well at least y'all were safe." "pardon?" i asked. and she walked back towards my bed, bent down and picked up a condom. out of the packaging, mind you. now, to the untrained eye, one would think it was used. however, if you looked at it, you would see - it was not. it was unwrapped and not in a pretty little ring like it is from the packaging.. but it was not used. wtf. i certainly did not even look at his... parts, let alone need to use a condom.

so two days ago, i got a text from him. "hey it's joe (which i was happy to find out, as the name cb is not exactly flattering) how was your fall break?" we chit-chatted for a bit, and i assumed it was his being cordial. i mean, he did leave mystery condom on my floor. however, it seems mr joe is smitten with my drunken requests for more beer, jimmy john's and to stop talking. he wanted to come over that night to watch the prestige, wanted to hang out last night, and wants to hang out tonight.

now, don't get me wrong - i am in knoxville to simply work (at the job i don't have yet) and get drunk. so it's not like my schedule is filling up insanely fast. however, cb, joe, if you will? stop making it known how busy you are not. you are in a fraternity, you go to school, i think you even have a job. you should not be so open to hanging out. play this smooth or something, because at this point - i have zero interest in hanging out with you, and it will be awkward next time i see you because i'm having to tip-toe around it at the moment.

what happened to guys playing crazy games?

i. hate. me.

i'm the biggest fucking idiot on the planet earth.

i deleted my blog.

i suck at life.

does anyone know how to get back anything that i've written?

worst day everrr :(