The Greatest Movie Trailer... Ever.

I know it was broadcasted like a week ago but I can not stop watching this clip of the trailer for New Moon.

Even if you don't like Twilight, it's still hilarious. I have literally watched it like 10 times already and laugh just as hard every time when he runs naked through the woods. Oh Andy Samberg, how I feel we could be great friends.

The Mouse's Ear

Exciting news!  I FINALLY got a new computer!!  Yayyyy!!!  No more going days without any link to important things like facebook and stalking my famous "friends."  Also, way easier to actually write on here.  So without further ado...

I know you have all been waiting on pins and needles and putting, probably, too much thought into what we did on Sunday. Well, I'll finally tell y'all. Hope you're not too disappointed since I may or may not have put a little too much into the lead up. 

Or something.

Ok, so Sunday, we woke up and weren't planning on doing much. It was Senior Roast for our sorority (everyone goes on a boat and they roast the graduating seniors). I slept through it. Whoopssss... But don't worry because I did make it up in time to meet them at our favorite bar with a patio at 4 o'clock.

I was the first to arrive, and so, doing what any normal person would do, I sat at the bar to wait for them over a pitcher. 

Once everyone was there, we decided to move out to sit on the patio. On the patio was a man who made my typical drunken antics look like childs play. He had moonshine grapes that he referred to as olives, and decided everyone on the patio should have some. To say he could stand would be a very generous thing to say, but he was going to have everyone eat one if his life depended on it. The bartender came out and laughed with us at him, explaining that this man comes by quite often, and that he probably should have given him a lot more alcohol when he was drinking like a fish so he would be passed out by now. Interesting way to look at it, I thought. He also informed him of the man's sexual preference by this story:

"He came into the bar and told me if I gave him 4 shot glasses, he would show me his penis and told me I could touch it if I wanted."

I'll let you infer for yourself what that means...

After awhile, it began to get a little chilly, so we moved our 6 person party inside.  We picked a table, but it was dirty, so I went to the bar and asked for napkins.  When the bartender said no, I immediately said "BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" 

Mistake # 1. 

Instead of napkins, he poured me a shot of goldschlager.  I hate goldschlager.  He then tried to follow it up with Rumplemintz, but seeing as it was barely 6 and I wasn't trying to throw up everywhere, I bargained to a shot of Jack Daniels.  The delicious Tennessee whiskey.  

I then told one of the regular bouncers (who I'd never actually talked to) to find me cards and to come play drinking games.  He started to object, but quickly realized there is basically no objecting me (especially on my birthday) and agreed.  We played Circle of Death, never have I ever, Fuck the Dealer and whatever else we could think of.  For each game, I had 1 to 3 shots.

Mistake # 2 (or is that smart idea #2?)

Raffa, my new bouncer friend, informed us that we could only stay until 9, as that's when they were going to a strip club and we were to go with them.  We laughed and informed him there was no way we were going to a strip club called The Mouse's Ear.

9 PM:  We're going to the strip club.

Mistake #3.

Now, I am no strip club officianado, as I had only been to one before this.  And that... "strip club" was somewhere my step-brother and his 3 friends tricked me into going.  It was also the classy strip club that included a pool table, pasties, cellulite and a juke box that the strippers had to put quarters in to pick their songs, and I'm pretty sure a few diseases spread out between the people working there.

The strip club we attended on this particular Lord's Day of Rest was... interesting.  Apparently, you could bring in your own beer, and it doesn't matter how you look to attend.  Also, if it's your birthday, they will let you literally run around the place.

I'm not saying that I necessarily did or did not run around the bar.  Hint: I did.  I also would sit down, think of a song I NEEDED to hear, run over to the DJ booth and inform him of my obsure song selection.  Mainly, I just would say, "Are you absolutely sure you can't just download I'm On A Boat?!  Ugh.  Fine.  I dunno.. play like... Single Ladies," which is a song I found amusing since I'm pretty sure none of the ladies there had anyone put a ring on it.  

By closing time, I had become "friends" with the bartender, manager, owner, DJ, bouncer, random attendee and had polished off the better part of a case.  We had also become friends with one of the strippers, named "April," but her real name was "Summer."  Being that it was my birthday and my new friends decided that I should be treated, they bought me a 2 song lap dance.  And by lap dance, I mean April/Summer just took off all her clothes and danced in front of me.  I couldn't stop thinking about her son at home and how she was probably hating her life at the moment, so I felt incredibly awkward.  I informed the guy who bought it that I wasn't really sure where  to look, so he said I should just look into her eyes.  Tip for life:  that makes things way more awkward.  

After she was done having sex with my eyes, I invited her to my birthday dinner the next night, and one of my friends took her phone number.  Why?  We'll never know.  On one trip to the bathroom, I noticed stairs that my friend told me I wasn't allowed to go up.  Psh.  "It's my birthday," I informed her and ran up the stairs.

Did you know strip clubs have tanning beds in their changing rooms?  Neither did I.  Now you know.  However, I'm pretty sure none of the girls there actually use it.  

Upon departure, the owner told us to come back as much as we wanted, as he thoroughly enjoyed us.  I think in strip club owner speak, that means we were definitely the drunkest people there, and I'm pretty sure spent the most amount of money.  Either that, or he's hoping we'll apply for a job.

The bartender who was earlier offered a peep show drove us all home, and somehow, ended up at my house with my two best friends and I.  Still a mystery.  What I do remember from the end of the evening is running downstairs with him, making out on my couch, and then going waking up the next morning with an extra-large cooler of beer, the keg again, lots of empty beer cans, cuddling with the bartender while sleeping next to my two best friends.

When we woke up, we watched YouTube videos and then all went to lunch.  All wearing my pajamas.  At 3 pm.  

I'm On A Boat: The Beginning of the Greatest Birthday Weekend Ever

So my birthday wasn't too long ago, and needless to say, I did my best to celebrate in style. We were going to have banners and streamers and all that birthday festivity shit that makes anyone who is not celebrating their birthday on the exact same day violently angry, but once the keg was tapped, there was basically no stopping the action to hang up things that were going to be annoying to take down when I got around to it. Next year.

My actual birthday was a Monday and since everyone knows you can't celebrate anything on a Monday because Mondays suck, we decided to do celebrate every single day of the weekend. Friday, we had a keg party. Needless to say, at the end of the night, I went to bed alone and woke up in the morning with my friend and a boy neither of us knew. Good times.

Saturday, we had a fraternity philanthropy event, so needless to say, the moment I woke up at 9 am, I traveled down the stairs, grabbed a coffee cup and filled it with keg beer.

Don't act like you've never done it.

I then traveled back upstairs, put I'm On A Boat on repeat from my iPhone and blasted it for the whole house to wake up and enjoy life as much as me. I may or may not have still been drunk from the night before.

Once we arrived to the volleyball tournament, a very somber event that involves heavy drinking, drunk volleyball, inappropriateness, slip and slides and a bounce house all in the name of mentally challenged kids (note my politically correctness, please and thank you).

Because across college campuses everywhere, I'm On A Boat has become the greatest song to ever be recorded, we decided we needed to create a boat in order to make the day complete. Read: we found a pickup truck, put a tarp in it to keep the water in, and then filled it with water. Greatest. Boat. Ever. And if you were so lucky to walk by when we were in full action, we would scream at you to GET. IN. THE. BOAAATTTT!!!! until you did. I'd say we were about half successful in actually getting people in the boat.. but we got a dog in it, so I say win win.

Saturday night (still haven't stopped drinking), we all dressed (how we look like normal human beings with makeup on is so far beyond me) and headed to the post-volleyball fest band party. I'm gonna be honest. I think all I did was run circles around the bar, run up to the front of the stage and dance, and then continue to run circles. All while holding a pitcher of beer and drinking straight from it because my cup was taken up when I was trying to give underage kids beer.

Haters.

Sunday we woke up and decided we had been on a binge-fest (we'd drank everyday since Tuesday), so we needed to seriously take it slow.

We were at our favorite bar at 4.

I would say Sunday was possibly the greatest and strangest day of my life. And that's saying a lot.

Because I love a good cliff hanger, I'm gonna leave y'all to ponder what could possibly happen on a Sunday Funday in Knoxville TN when you're me.

It's like a fun game. Not as fun as the breathalyzer game, but still a good time. Get creative and have your people call my people.

If you're not feeling creative, just watch this. I suggest memorizing T-Pain's dance. WAY more fun and impressive than not knowing it.

Technology. The angry step-daughter of life.

Ok y'all. All I'm gonna say is that blogger needs a mobile device stat bc my computer has gone to the other side. I believe it's last words were "Fuck you guys, I'm out." or something along those lines as we had a tumultuous relationship. And by tumultuous, I mean it hated to live. It was like Rihanna the day after C. Brown beat her. FEMA once Katrina hit. 50 Cent after Kanye beat him in album sales. Michael Jackson when.. Well you get the point. 
 
Anyway, needless to say I'm on the look for a new computer so if y'all have any suggestions for one that is 
 
A. Bomb diggity 
B. Not a Dell 
C. Doesn't hate life after a short run 
And 
D. Able to withstand me 
 
Lemme know.

---

Big savings on Dell XPS Laptops and Desktops!

can i go back to Vegas now?

So Vegas. I know it's hard to believe that I would like a city that is also known as "Sin City," but let me tell you. I want to go back now. I want to go and parade around the strip and drink all day and night and be fabulous. However, I don't want to live there because, no offense to anyone who lives there, but I don't own enough basketball jerseys. I swear everyone I met from Vegas was wearing a basketball jersey. It was interesting. I wish my trip had been longer, and I wish my camera hadn't decided to give up on life half way through St Patty's day.

St Patty's Day, ps, is one of my top favorite days of the year - and I'm pretty sure this was the best one.. yet.

I don't have a vry long time to write, so instead of telling a whole long story, I'll just give you some highlights as to why I love Vegas.

• Vegas. Because We Can.
• You can walk around with alcohol no matter where you are.
• You can leave a bar and not have a bouncer yelling at you to throw away your beer before leaving.
• They have 3 foot long drinks.
• You can jump onto a construction site to make the manager take a picture with you.

• You can get construction workers to show their booobies.. even if after they do it, you immediately regret telling them to.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours. Only no I won't.

• Bouncers believe you when you lie and say you paid the $20 cover but then ripped off the bracelet because you were bored and give you a new one, thus saving you $20.
• You won't get kicked out of a bar when you pull a shot of Jameson from the bottle the bartender lent you to take a St Patty's Day picture with.
• You can rip endless amounts of Irish Car Bombs with your waitress.

If you go to Vegas and to NY NY, do not challenge Karen
in a car bomb chugging contest. You will lose. No matter how
many times you play. Trust me. I played a lot.

• You can do inappropriate things in public with people you barely know...

• You can do inappropriate things in public with your best friends....
• You can talk to anyone and not be misconstrued as a crazy.
• You can start drinking at 9 in the morning.
• There are lots of things to take pictures in front of!

This is an ad for Jose Cuervo. Well played, Jose. Well played.

• You can wear your sunglasses at night, with your pj's in your hotel casino because you're drunk and leaving tomorrow and still get hit on.
• You can learn new accents and phrases (Wicked Pissa, for instance, means around the same thing as "a lot" according to Boston)
• There are drunk old people.
• 2 words: Tuxedo. T-Shirt.

i youtubed for an hour and forgot my title name

We all have dreams. Personally, I have lots of them. I dream that someday, someone will find my drunkenness as hilarious as my friends do and will decide to pay me for it. I dream that someday, someone will follow me around with a video camera so that I can remember everything I did that weekend (for example, I was informed that this past weekend, I ran up to my friend, pushed him over the arm chair of the couch, slapped his ass and then nuzzled on his neck to make him feel better about it. And by friend, I mean someone I've had maybe 15 minutes of conversation with since I've met him). I also dream of things like becoming a princess, a millionaire, and having a hot air balloon at my personal discretion.

In the past 2 days, I have slept a grand total of 2 hours and 15 minutes, give or take a few seconds.. so I've had a bit of time laying in my bed thinking of my dreams and ambitions. Which last night, was to simply fall asleep.

This has taken far too long to write so I'll just come out and say it because I'm bored listening to me type this

As of Sunday evening, I will be in........... (drum roll please)

this picture is creepy. but so are some of the people in vegas so it's fitting

Yes. Spring break officially starts at 4:55 for me today, although if we're honest, I've been in Vegas mentally since last Friday.

I just called it pre-gaming for Spring Break. We leave Sunday from Nashville, get in at 6 and will most likely already be drunk from the plane.

Best part of this entire experience?

Me. Only I'll be not old, not ugly and not a man. So really, just the pitcher. And I'd
probably steal the hat if I saw him.

I realized I hadn't shared this while trying to mentally go through my closet and decide which green outfit I have that will allow for the largest amount of beer consumption.

I hope they have green beer. Or green vodka. Or any sort of green drink that's not an amaretto sour or non-alcoholic.

Either way, I'd like to share an excerpt from a little book called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max as I feel it relates to what my trip will most likely be, only a girl version. It's either that, or I'm delirious from sleep deprivation and will look back at this and attempt to delete it. Probably the second. Either way..

We got so carried away with the gambling and the attention, the next time I took notice of my watch, it was 9am Friday morning, and I was feeling a bit tipsy. I casually asked the cocktail waitress how many beers I've had:

"I don't know sweetie. I work the 2am to 10am shift, and you were rolling along when I got here. I'd guess you've had at least 20 or 25 since I've been working."

drinking like a frat boy while at your sorority philanthropy event is the epitomy of class

i've always prided myself on my ability to binge drink at inappropriate times. ok, maybe it's not pride as much as it is amusement, but either way - it makes me giggle and this past weekend was no exception.

my sorority hosts a paintball tournament to raise money for our philanthropy, and sunday was our 2nd annual tournament. because it is much more exciting to go to.. well, any of our events when drunk, my friend.. we'll call her gerta rouse got me out of bed by offering beer and boys. so i begrudgingly put clothes on and began the beer drinking at 11 am. always a good choice.

on the ride to the tournament, we had our ride stop at a gas station to buy party cups and some beer. we were going to buy 40's, but given the economic crisis of present times, we decided a case would be better - we could keep some to drink next weekend. we were like a toby keith song and doing our part for the red white and blue.

cut to a couple hours later and we were headed for our 3rd refill in our cups. our cups held three beers each.

well, gerta rouse is still active in the chapter and i am alumnae.. which basically means i am immune to punishment while she is not. at around 3, the president and head of standards approached gerta rouse and told her she had to leave. she told them she would not, but would sit in the parking lot and wait for our guy friends who were playing and giving us a ride home. they agreed.

rookies.

i needed a refill anyway, so i decided to go out to the car with her. i got the keys, grabbed the first guy i saw that i knew, and headed to the car to shotgun a beer with the kicked out gerta rouse. classy. it probably wasn't 10 minutes later that we were out of beer. luckily, my sorority is not smart and put the event within walking distance of a gas station. and more beer. take an 18 pack that is following a 24 pack, a camera 2 party cups and 2 drunk girls and mix it together and you have a party.

i would periodically go back to the parking lot to check on her.. like when i needed more beer, but for the most part, i basked in the fact that i could not be yelled at for drinking and continued to cheer on my friends.

after the tournament was over, we accompanied the boys to their house where we joined 4 guys who were, amazingly, as drunk as us. the 6 of us decided moving the couch to the front porch made for much more comfortable heckling at passerbyers than regular chairs, so we brought it out.

the next couple hours get a little hazy, but at around 8, gerta rouse and i decide to head to chili's for some much needed food. of course, neither of us were driving so i told the first guy i saw to drive us, and either he was immediately smitten with me or he saw that we would probably be arrested if we attempted to walk across campus to the chili's.. either way, we made it to chili's where the manager came over after our first round of 2 beers (they come that way) and told us we could not have any more beer. "bahhh you can't have any more beers," is generally the appropriate response in that situation. which translated out of drunk speech to english means "i don't care. it's still light out. i'm wasted. and i'm wearing sunglasses in chili's. thanks for not kicking me out."

after that, i decided i should go home as i had a french midterm in the morning.

i got an 85.

amazing.