The Mouse's Ear

Exciting news!  I FINALLY got a new computer!!  Yayyyy!!!  No more going days without any link to important things like facebook and stalking my famous "friends."  Also, way easier to actually write on here.  So without further ado...

I know you have all been waiting on pins and needles and putting, probably, too much thought into what we did on Sunday. Well, I'll finally tell y'all. Hope you're not too disappointed since I may or may not have put a little too much into the lead up. 

Or something.

Ok, so Sunday, we woke up and weren't planning on doing much. It was Senior Roast for our sorority (everyone goes on a boat and they roast the graduating seniors). I slept through it. Whoopssss... But don't worry because I did make it up in time to meet them at our favorite bar with a patio at 4 o'clock.

I was the first to arrive, and so, doing what any normal person would do, I sat at the bar to wait for them over a pitcher. 

Once everyone was there, we decided to move out to sit on the patio. On the patio was a man who made my typical drunken antics look like childs play. He had moonshine grapes that he referred to as olives, and decided everyone on the patio should have some. To say he could stand would be a very generous thing to say, but he was going to have everyone eat one if his life depended on it. The bartender came out and laughed with us at him, explaining that this man comes by quite often, and that he probably should have given him a lot more alcohol when he was drinking like a fish so he would be passed out by now. Interesting way to look at it, I thought. He also informed him of the man's sexual preference by this story:

"He came into the bar and told me if I gave him 4 shot glasses, he would show me his penis and told me I could touch it if I wanted."

I'll let you infer for yourself what that means...

After awhile, it began to get a little chilly, so we moved our 6 person party inside.  We picked a table, but it was dirty, so I went to the bar and asked for napkins.  When the bartender said no, I immediately said "BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" 

Mistake # 1. 

Instead of napkins, he poured me a shot of goldschlager.  I hate goldschlager.  He then tried to follow it up with Rumplemintz, but seeing as it was barely 6 and I wasn't trying to throw up everywhere, I bargained to a shot of Jack Daniels.  The delicious Tennessee whiskey.  

I then told one of the regular bouncers (who I'd never actually talked to) to find me cards and to come play drinking games.  He started to object, but quickly realized there is basically no objecting me (especially on my birthday) and agreed.  We played Circle of Death, never have I ever, Fuck the Dealer and whatever else we could think of.  For each game, I had 1 to 3 shots.

Mistake # 2 (or is that smart idea #2?)

Raffa, my new bouncer friend, informed us that we could only stay until 9, as that's when they were going to a strip club and we were to go with them.  We laughed and informed him there was no way we were going to a strip club called The Mouse's Ear.

9 PM:  We're going to the strip club.

Mistake #3.

Now, I am no strip club officianado, as I had only been to one before this.  And that... "strip club" was somewhere my step-brother and his 3 friends tricked me into going.  It was also the classy strip club that included a pool table, pasties, cellulite and a juke box that the strippers had to put quarters in to pick their songs, and I'm pretty sure a few diseases spread out between the people working there.

The strip club we attended on this particular Lord's Day of Rest was... interesting.  Apparently, you could bring in your own beer, and it doesn't matter how you look to attend.  Also, if it's your birthday, they will let you literally run around the place.

I'm not saying that I necessarily did or did not run around the bar.  Hint: I did.  I also would sit down, think of a song I NEEDED to hear, run over to the DJ booth and inform him of my obsure song selection.  Mainly, I just would say, "Are you absolutely sure you can't just download I'm On A Boat?!  Ugh.  Fine.  I dunno.. play like... Single Ladies," which is a song I found amusing since I'm pretty sure none of the ladies there had anyone put a ring on it.  

By closing time, I had become "friends" with the bartender, manager, owner, DJ, bouncer, random attendee and had polished off the better part of a case.  We had also become friends with one of the strippers, named "April," but her real name was "Summer."  Being that it was my birthday and my new friends decided that I should be treated, they bought me a 2 song lap dance.  And by lap dance, I mean April/Summer just took off all her clothes and danced in front of me.  I couldn't stop thinking about her son at home and how she was probably hating her life at the moment, so I felt incredibly awkward.  I informed the guy who bought it that I wasn't really sure where  to look, so he said I should just look into her eyes.  Tip for life:  that makes things way more awkward.  

After she was done having sex with my eyes, I invited her to my birthday dinner the next night, and one of my friends took her phone number.  Why?  We'll never know.  On one trip to the bathroom, I noticed stairs that my friend told me I wasn't allowed to go up.  Psh.  "It's my birthday," I informed her and ran up the stairs.

Did you know strip clubs have tanning beds in their changing rooms?  Neither did I.  Now you know.  However, I'm pretty sure none of the girls there actually use it.  

Upon departure, the owner told us to come back as much as we wanted, as he thoroughly enjoyed us.  I think in strip club owner speak, that means we were definitely the drunkest people there, and I'm pretty sure spent the most amount of money.  Either that, or he's hoping we'll apply for a job.

The bartender who was earlier offered a peep show drove us all home, and somehow, ended up at my house with my two best friends and I.  Still a mystery.  What I do remember from the end of the evening is running downstairs with him, making out on my couch, and then going waking up the next morning with an extra-large cooler of beer, the keg again, lots of empty beer cans, cuddling with the bartender while sleeping next to my two best friends.

When we woke up, we watched YouTube videos and then all went to lunch.  All wearing my pajamas.  At 3 pm.