Oh wait. Yes I do. Constantly.
This weekend was.. well, another one for the books. Tuesday of this week, we went out and somehow, I managed to lose my wallet within one block. I wasn't even really sure that was possible, but after stepping back and assessing the situation, I have decided I put some sort of freezing spell on my friends, a la Harry Potter, ran up to the first homeless person I saw, took out my wallet and informed them that they needed it much more than I did, and then ran back to my friends, unfroze them, and walked the 1 block home.
Clearly, it makes much more sense then the fact that I'm an idiot.
Being the procrastinator that I am, I chose to use the week to not go get a new license, but instead to hope that my wallet full of gift cards, credit cards, and just generally important things would turn up. It really is amazing, if you think about it, how much you can learn from someone in a wallet.
But anyway, seeing as I had no money or ID, I was forced to make a decision: stay at home, or try my damnedest to go out. Of course, I chose option numbero dos. Strapped with enough vodka for a small elephant, my student ID (which thankfully was in my backpack), my social security card and a copy of my birth certificate, I headed out for the town. If that's not determination, I don't know what is.
We started at my friends house, where I drank 3/4 vodka, 1/4 water and a dash of Crystal Light mixtures. Once I finished my 2nd, followed by a few shots, I was definitely ready to get the party started, so we left and headed towards the bars.
Upon arrival, everyone ordered what they wanted from the bartender previously mentioned in my birthday shitshow, and when he asked me what I wanted, I sadly informed him that I had lost my wallet. He looked at me like I had 9 heads, grabbed a pitcher and poured it for me. It's good to have friends in high places.
Next thing I know, the biggest creeper guy to ever walk the streets (and for some reason, has a strange infatuation with me) was buying shots.
I awoke the next morning on a Lazy-Boy recliner with a comforter over me. How I got there was a mystery beyond mysteries, but I do know this much: when you are stirred to consciousness from a conversation that goes as this one did, you know not everything went quite as planned the night before...
"Do you know her?"
"No dude, I don't know her, I thought you knew her..."
"Well how'd she get in here?"
"She came in the front door.. I guess I didn't lock it and when I saw her, I figured she was cute so I let her stay."
............
Confused and dazed, I realized I not only didn't know them, but I didn't know where my shoes or purse was. I had one of them call my phone, and when I didn't hear it, I just decided to bolt out the door, hoping that if I moved fast enough, they wouldn't remember what I looked like, but would somehow alter their minds to think they had a crazy party last night and I just passed out afterwards.
I ran into my apartment (which happens to be the one directly below them, and yes, I now pray every time I go outside that they will not see me) and immediately went into my roommates room to inquire about the happenings of the previous evening. She had no answers, as she had been "talking" (making out) with a rando boy for most of the evening.
I'm not sure if there was a full moon this past Saturday night, or just the beginning of some plague where a lady's pride, dignity and respect fly out the window like it sees Santa Clause down the street, but man oh man... I would give anything to see me attempting to walk up the stairs and into a random apartment.
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1 comment:
Sounds like a laugh.
Does that now mean you have courageously lost everything that can identify you as yourself?
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